{"id":1949,"date":"2013-03-16T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-03-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/35.224.237.165\/index.php\/2019\/02\/25\/opinion-stop-sexiling-me-so-you-can-masturbate\/"},"modified":"2019-02-26T04:59:03","modified_gmt":"2019-02-25T21:59:03","slug":"opinion-stop-sexiling-me-so-you-can-masturbate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2013\/03\/16\/opinion-stop-sexiling-me-so-you-can-masturbate\/","title":{"rendered":"Opinion: Stop Sexiling Me so You Can Masturbate"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"<\/p>\n

By Daniel Ruttenberg<\/a><\/h6>\n
Nov. 12, 2015<\/h6>\n

<\/b><\/insert>I\u2019ve let this go on for long enough, Pat. I know you\u2019re just jacking off in y<\/delete>our room. <\/p>\n

\tI\u2019m not buying the \u201csexile\u201d routine again. You really think you\u2019re being furtive about it saying \u201csorry bro, you gotta sleep in the lounge tonight,<\/insert>\u201d,<\/delete> but you\u2019re not sly at all. Every time I request to meet your \u201clover,<\/insert>\u201d,<\/delete> I hear some excuse about her being busy at a family reunion. You\u2019ve used this excuse twice, Patrick. No normal family has two reunions in six weeks.<\/p>\n

\tThis \u201cchick\u201d does not even<\/insert> have a name. She is referred to, exclusively, by the term \u201cHalloween girl.<\/insert>\u201d.<\/delete> I know you did not hook up with anybody at that holiday party because<\/insert>.<\/delete> I drove you home as you cried about not hooking up with anybody. You are not making love to a Halloween girl –<\/insert> you are forcibly rubbing your penis until you ejaculate.<\/p>\n

\tBut the most damning piece of evidence is when I caught you in y<\/delete>our room. I walked<\/insert> in, and you ducked<\/insert> under your covers and pretended<\/insert> to be two people making love. I\u2019m not six. I know your \u201clady voice.<\/insert>\u201d,<\/delete> I\u2019m not the fuckin\u2019 coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons.<\/p>\n

\tHonestly, I\u2019m kind of disgusted. I knocked on y<\/delete>our door five times one night, and every single time you just groaned \u201cfuckin\u2019 but she\u2019s being quiet!\u201d.<\/delete> I do not know why you need to spend a whole night making your penis eject semen, but<\/insert>;<\/delete> it saddens my heart that you must kick me out for so long in order to do so<\/insert>.<\/p>\n

\tI\u2019m not letting this go on any longer. I am walking into the<\/insert>your<\/delete> room right now.<\/insert>,<\/delete> You have two options:<\/insert>.<\/delete> you can either not masturbate or you can <\/insert>masturbate. If you must masturbate, masturbate in front of me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 12, 2015 I\u2019ve let this go on for long enough, Pat. I know you\u2019re just jacking off in your room. I\u2019m not buying the \u201csexile\u201d routine again. You really think you\u2019re being furtive about it saying \u201csorry bro, you gotta sleep in the lounge tonight,\u201d, but you\u2019re not sly at all. Every time I request to meet your \u201clover,\u201d, I hear some excuse about her being busy at a family reunion. You\u2019ve used this excuse twice, Patrick. No normal family has two reunions in six weeks. This \u201cchick\u201d does not even have a name. She is referred to, exclusively, by the term \u201cHalloween girl.\u201d. I know you did not hook up with anybody at that holiday party because. I drove you home as you cried about not hooking up with anybody. You are not making love to a Halloween girl – you are forcibly rubbing your penis until you ejaculate. But the most damning piece of evidence is when I caught you in your room. I walked in, and you ducked under your covers and pretended to be two people making love. I\u2019m not six. I know your \u201clady voice.\u201d, I\u2019m not the fuckin\u2019 coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons. Honestly, I\u2019m kind of disgusted. I knocked on your door five times one night, and every single time you just groaned \u201cfuckin\u2019 but she\u2019s being quiet!\u201d. I do not know why you need to spend a whole night making your penis eject semen, but; it saddens my heart that you must kick me out for so long in order to do so. I\u2019m not letting this go on any longer. I am walking into theyour room right now., You have two options:. you can either not masturbate or you can masturbate. If you must masturbate, masturbate in front of me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1949"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1949"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1949\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2982,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1949\/revisions\/2982"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1949"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1949"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1949"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}