{"id":1905,"date":"2013-03-16T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-03-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/35.224.237.165\/index.php\/2019\/02\/25\/thank-god-im-covered-in-leeches\/"},"modified":"2019-02-26T04:58:52","modified_gmt":"2019-02-25T21:58:52","slug":"thank-god-im-covered-in-leeches","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2013\/03\/16\/thank-god-im-covered-in-leeches\/","title":{"rendered":"Thank God I’m Covered in Leeches"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"<\/p>\n

By Ryan Fleishman, 1318<\/a><\/h6>\n
Jan. 22, 2016<\/h6>\n

<\/insert>Lately, I haven\u2019t been feeling so great. My knees hurt a bit, I have a bruise on my arm, and I coughed a couple times yesterday. I went to my doctor, one of the most skilled medical practitioners in town, and he prescribed me some good ol\u2019 bloodletting. Therefore, I am overjoyed by the fact that my entire body is covered in lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches. <\/p>\n

\tEvery single pore in my weary flesh is covered my lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches. Lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches, also known as God\u2019s Greatest Gift to Mankind, are surely the only possible way to cure my minor illnesses and injuries. Doctor Moriarty said that he just received a new shipment of lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches from a swamp in Delaware, and lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches from Delaware are widely known as the best lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches.<\/p>\n

I especially love watching the lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches fill with my corrupt lifeblood. As they turn redder while swelling with my evil spirits, I become certain that I will feel better the next day.<\/p>\n

\tIncidentally, I have lost feeling in the vast majority of my body. Perhaps this is because I cannot touch anything in the first place while blanketed in leaches. I cannot physically see my skin right now, but I am pretty sure that I have turned a pale white color. This is okay, because white is a holy color.<\/p>\n

\tSometimes I like to cheer the lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches on while they suckle on my veins. \u201cGo, tiny friends,\u201d I holler.<\/insert>,<\/delete> \u201cG<\/insert>g<\/delete>o and suck the illness out of my body!\u201d<\/p>\n

\tI hope I do not get hemorrhoids. Jackson had hemorrhoids the other day, and he said the lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ch placement for them is \u201cunfortunate\u201d<\/delete>.“<\/insert><\/p>\n

\tI have started to name my individual lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ches. This one, here on my right thigh, is called Eleanor. I named her after a former flame. This one below my ear is called Jeremy. I do not know why. He felt like a Jeremy to me. Every single lee<\/insert>a<\/delete>ch on my belly is called Beer-Guzzling Balthazar.<\/p>\n

\tYes. This is good for me. I am not dying right now. I just feel a tad woozy.<\/insert> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Ryan Fleishman, 1318 Jan. 22, 2016 Lately, I haven\u2019t been feeling so great. My knees hurt a bit, I have a bruise on my arm, and I coughed a couple times yesterday. I went to my doctor, one of the most skilled medical practitioners in town, and he prescribed me some good ol\u2019 bloodletting. Therefore, I am overjoyed by the fact that my entire body is covered in leeaches. Every single pore in my weary flesh is covered my leeaches. Leeaches, also known as God\u2019s Greatest Gift to Mankind, are surely the only possible way to cure my minor illnesses and injuries. Doctor Moriarty said that he just received a new shipment of leeaches from a swamp in Delaware, and leeaches from Delaware are widely known as the best leeaches. I especially love watching the leeaches fill with my corrupt lifeblood. As they turn redder while swelling with my evil spirits, I become certain that I will feel better the next day. Incidentally, I have lost feeling in the vast majority of my body. Perhaps this is because I cannot touch anything in the first place while blanketed in leaches. I cannot physically see my skin right now, but I am pretty sure that I have turned a pale white color. This is okay, because white is a holy color. Sometimes I like to cheer the leeaches on while they suckle on my veins. \u201cGo, tiny friends,\u201d I holler., \u201cGgo and suck the illness out of my body!\u201d I hope I do not get hemorrhoids. Jackson had hemorrhoids the other day, and he said the leeach placement for them is \u201cunfortunate\u201d.“ I have started to name my individual leeaches. This one, here on my right thigh, is called Eleanor. I named her after a former flame. This one below my ear is called Jeremy. I do not know why. He felt like a Jeremy to me. Every single leeach on my belly is called Beer-Guzzling Balthazar. Yes. This is good for me. I am not dying right now. I just feel a tad woozy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1905","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1905","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1905"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1905\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2938,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1905\/revisions\/2938"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1905"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1905"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1905"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}