<\/p>\n
Dear Esteemed \u201cChicago Shady Dealer,\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m writing to you as a concerned citizen who has been repeatedly turned away from The Chicago Tribune and The New York Times or as some have insisted, \u201cbanned from writing.\u201d I just received word that a very big boat is scheduled to set sail tomorrow! This sick joke of a watercraft is called the \u201cTitanic Now, I\u2019m not just some superstitious old fogey who thinks all naval vessels are doomed. No, I\u2019m aware that this one is too big to fail. I know there\u2019s science behind it and I\u2019m certain that all the passengers on the RMS Titanic will be \u201csafe,\u201d but I fear there could be some other terrible consequences on this luxurious liner that no one is talking about. And no, I\u2019m not a coward. I\u2019m not scared of being seasick, or seeing a shark, or that the ship will sink because it hits a large iceberg and half the passengers drown or freeze in the water, no, that would be absurd. I just have some realistic concerns.<\/p>\n What if the food isn\u2019t good? You can\u2019t just waltz onto a gigantic swaying kayak with two thousand strangers and expect top-quality produce. I\u2019m guessing half their food isn\u2019t even local and I can\u2019t trust these yachtsman-types to have hired the best chefs available. And again, because of the endless rocking, someone\u2019s bound to start throwing up. <\/p>\n Can we talk linens? I just know there are gonna be bedbugs. If one person brings bedbugs on this glorified canoe, everyone gets bedbugs. And do we know anything about the interior designer? What if the d\u00e9cor is tacky? Like, what if above the beds there are framed paintings of serene oceans or sailboats or something? That\u2019s clich\u00e9d and tired.<\/p>\n I\u2019ll be blunt with you, and I\u2019m nervous about sharing this part with such a widespread publication because I worry readers won\u2019t take it seriously. But I\u2019ve known for some time now that I have what can only be called psychic powers. I\u2019m a visionary. And all I know is that last night I dreamt something terrible that heralds horrific things about this banana boat. In my dream, there were parrots, and we all know what that means: pirates. I can say with absolute certainty that the HMS Titanic is going to first crash into a pirate ship and then be forced into pirate battle. <\/p>\n In simplest terms, I know many of you want to get from England to America quickly and in style, but please, for your sake, just take the train.<\/p>\n Sincerely,<\/p>\n Mildred Prossmith<\/p>\n Concerned mother, loyal reader, and psychic<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Mildred Prossmith, 1912 Jan. 22, 2016 Dear Esteemed \u201cChicago Shady Dealer,\u201d I\u2019m writing to you as a concerned citizen who has been repeatedly turned away from The Chicago Tribune and The New York Times or as some have insisted, \u201cbanned from writing.\u201d I just received word that a very big boat is scheduled to set sail tomorrow! This sick joke of a watercraft is called the \u201cTitanic,\u201d and I\u2019m gravely concerned about it. I\u2019m writing to encourage all readers to keep their distance. Now, I\u2019m not just some superstitious old fogey who thinks all naval vessels are doomed. No, I\u2019m aware that this one is too big to fail. I know there\u2019s science behind it and I\u2019m certain that all the passengers on the RMS Titanic will be \u201csafe,\u201d but I fear there could be some other terrible consequences on this luxurious liner that no one is talking about. And no, I\u2019m not a coward. I\u2019m not scared of being seasick, or seeing a shark, or that the ship will sink because it hits a large iceberg and half the passengers drown or freeze in the water, no, that would be absurd. I just have some realistic concerns. What if the food isn\u2019t good? You can\u2019t just waltz onto a gigantic swaying kayak with two thousand strangers and expect top-quality produce. I\u2019m guessing half their food isn\u2019t even local and I can\u2019t trust these yachtsman-types to have hired the best chefs available. And again, because of the endless rocking, someone\u2019s bound to start throwing up. Can we talk linens? I just know there are gonna be bedbugs. If one person brings bedbugs on this glorified canoe, everyone gets bedbugs. And do we know anything about the interior designer? What if the d\u00e9cor is tacky? Like, what if above the beds there are framed paintings of serene oceans or sailboats or something? That\u2019s clich\u00e9d and tired. I\u2019ll be blunt with you, and I\u2019m nervous about sharing this part with such a widespread publication because I worry readers won\u2019t take it seriously. But I\u2019ve known for some time now that I have what can only be called psychic powers. I\u2019m a visionary. And all I know is that last night I dreamt something terrible that heralds horrific things about this banana boat. In my dream, there were parrots, and we all know what that means: pirates. I can say with absolute certainty that the HMS Titanic is going to first crash into a pirate ship and then be forced into pirate battle. In simplest terms, I know many of you want to get from England to America quickly and in style, but please, for your sake, just take the train. Sincerely, Mildred Prossmith Concerned mother, loyal reader, and psychic<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1890"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1890"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1890\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2923,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1890\/revisions\/2923"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1890"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1890"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1890"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}