{"id":1755,"date":"2013-03-16T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-03-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/35.224.237.165\/index.php\/2019\/02\/25\/this-church-is-loud-enough-that-you-can-probably-fart-without-anyone-noticing\/"},"modified":"2019-02-26T04:58:26","modified_gmt":"2019-02-25T21:58:26","slug":"this-church-is-loud-enough-that-you-can-probably-fart-without-anyone-noticing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2013\/03\/16\/this-church-is-loud-enough-that-you-can-probably-fart-without-anyone-noticing\/","title":{"rendered":"This Church is Loud Enough That You Can Probably Fart Without Anyone Noticing"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"<\/p>\n

By Nik Varley<\/a><\/h6>\n
Oct. 14, 2016<\/h6>\n

Sources confirmed this morning there is enough ambient noise in St. Mary\u2019s Episcopal church to mask the noise of the fart you are currently holding in. They went on to state that releasing the fart would be a \u201cpretty safe bet\u201d and that there is <\/insert>was<\/delete> a \u201cmoderate to high likelihood\u201d that the flatulence would go unnoticed.<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cThere were <\/delete><\/insert>are<\/delete><\/insert>were<\/delete>are<\/insert> several factors that influenced<\/delete> our decision to encourage the fart,<\/insert>\u201d said local flatulence acoustics <\/insert>expert James Miller. \u201cThe church choir is singing, and they\u2019re definitely loud enough to mask the sound of a fart. That, combined with the snoring of the elderly man snoring<\/delete> in the pew behind you<\/insert>, provide all the cover you need.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

Eyewitnesses reported that there is a \u201cpretty gross looking dude\u201d three seats away from you who would most probably be blamed for any smell that the the fart would produce<\/insert>produced<\/delete>. Eyewitness Joanna Johnson <\/insert>claimed that he \u201clooks like a real farter\u201d and \u201cmay have farted a couple times already, who can tell.\u201d <\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cYou really should do it now; this is the best chance that you\u2019re going to get,<\/insert>\u201d says analyst Willa Anderson. \u201cThat choir isn\u2019t going to sing forever, and the minister isn\u2019t nearly loud enough to cover a fart this big. Also, the padding of your seat is absolutely crucial for muffling the fart. If you\u2019re asked to stand up, this is all over.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cAlso, you can\u2019t let it rip all at once,<\/insert>\u201d continued Anderson. \u201cYou\u2019re really going to have to finesse how you unclench. We can\u2019t have a repeat of the time you let one out in math class and people heard it down the hall. You\u2019re conducting a stealth operation here.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

Despite the ample cover noise and seat padding, some experts urged caution. \u201cJust do the right thing and hold it in,<\/insert>\u201d said area farter Eli O\u2019Brien. \u201cThe relief of letting this gas out is not going to outweigh the shame of farting in a church. Also, all of your mom\u2019s old friends are here. C\u2019mon,<\/insert> man.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

Reports concluded that if you want to pull this thing off, you better do it right now because it looks like the choir is wrapping up. You are strongly encouraged to \u201cman up,<\/insert>\u201d,<\/delete> \u201ctake the bull by the horns,<\/insert>\u201d and \u201cdo what you need to do, god damn it!\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

At press time, the minister had called for the congregation to join him in silent prayer, and oh G<\/insert>g<\/delete>od, everyone totally heard you fart.<\/insert><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Sources confirmed this morning there is enough ambient noise in St. Mary\u2019s Episcopal church to mask the noise of the fart you are currently holding in. They went on to state that releasing the fart would be a \u201cpretty safe bet\u201d and that there is was a \u201cmoderate to high likelihood\u201d that the flatulence would go unnoticed. \u201cThere were arewereare several factors that influenced our decision to encourage the fart,\u201d said local flatulence acoustics expert James Miller. \u201cThe church choir is singing, and they\u2019re definitely loud enough to mask the sound of a fart. That, combined with the snoring of the elderly man snoring in the pew behind you, provide all the cover you need.\u201d Eyewitnesses reported that there is a \u201cpretty gross looking dude\u201d three seats away from you who would most probably be blamed for any smell that the the fart would produceproduced. Eyewitness Joanna Johnson claimed that he \u201clooks like a real farter\u201d and \u201cmay have farted a couple times already, who can tell.\u201d \u201cYou really should do it now; this is the best chance that you\u2019re going to get,\u201d says analyst Willa Anderson. \u201cThat choir isn\u2019t going to sing forever, and the minister isn\u2019t nearly loud enough to cover a fart this big. Also, the padding of your seat is absolutely crucial for muffling the fart. If you\u2019re asked to stand up, this is all over.\u201d \u201cAlso, you can\u2019t let it rip all at once,\u201d continued Anderson. \u201cYou\u2019re really going to have to finesse how you unclench. We can\u2019t have a repeat of the time you let one out in math class and people heard it down the hall. You\u2019re conducting a stealth operation here.\u201d Despite the ample cover noise and seat padding, some experts urged caution. \u201cJust do the right thing and hold it in,\u201d said area farter Eli O\u2019Brien. \u201cThe relief of letting this gas out is not going to outweigh the shame of farting in a church. Also, all of your mom\u2019s old friends are here. C\u2019mon, man.\u201d Reports concluded that if you want to pull this thing off, you better do it right now because it looks like the choir is wrapping up. You are strongly encouraged to \u201cman up,\u201d, \u201ctake the bull by the horns,\u201d and \u201cdo what you need to do, god damn it!\u201d At press time, the minister had called for the congregation to join him in silent prayer, and oh Ggod, everyone totally heard you fart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1755","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1755","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1755"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1755\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2788,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1755\/revisions\/2788"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1755"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1755"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1755"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}