{"id":1652,"date":"2013-03-16T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-03-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/35.224.237.165\/index.php\/2019\/02\/25\/first-white-people-arrive-in-new-world-try-to-turn-natives-on-to-gilmore-girls\/"},"modified":"2019-02-26T04:58:04","modified_gmt":"2019-02-25T21:58:04","slug":"first-white-people-arrive-in-new-world-try-to-turn-natives-on-to-gilmore-girls","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2013\/03\/16\/first-white-people-arrive-in-new-world-try-to-turn-natives-on-to-gilmore-girls\/","title":{"rendered":"First White People Arrive in New World, Try to Turn Natives on to Gilmore Girls"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"<\/p>\n

By Nik Varley, Jamestown 1607<\/a><\/h6>\n
Feb. 7, 2017<\/h6>\n

Jamestown, Virginia, 1607 \u2013 <\/delete>Sources have <\/delete>confirmed that the first white people have arrived in the New World and have immediately begun explaining to the native population the merits of the CW series Gilmore Girls<\/em>. The white settlers, whose ship arrived early this morning, wasted no time in describing their favorite scenes from the show at length and frequently asked natives what they thought of the show\u2019s controversial seventh season.<\/insert> <\/delete>seventh <\/delete>season reboot, A Year in the Life<\/i><\/insert><\/delete>.<\/delete> <\/delete><\/insert> <\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen we first landed here, I couldn\u2019t believe that none of these people had seen Gilmore Girls<\/i>,\u201d said white settler Katelyn Bernhard. \u201cI was like OMG [sic]<\/delete>, where have you guys been? I binged the whole show last summer after I finished How I Met Your Mother<\/em> and I\u2019ve been super into the fandom ever since.\u201d<\/insert> <\/insert><\/p>\n

Not only had the continent\u2019s indigenous inhabitants not <\/insert>watched all seven seasons of the comedy\/drama<\/delete>dramedy<\/insert>, but <\/insert>none them had any familiarity with the show or it\u2019<\/delete>s recent revival Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. <\/em>When asked about the quickest route to the \u201cquiet, storybook town of Stars Hollow,<\/insert> Connecticut,<\/insert>\u201d,<\/delete> natives responded with puzzlement and a few <\/delete>inconspicuous eye rolls.<\/insert> <\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cNone of these people have even heard of Gilmore Girls! What the hell!\u201d said exasperated white Brad McClintick-Daniels. \u201cHow do you not know about Rory and Lorelai at this point? Have they, like, not even looked at Buzzfeed in the past seven years? I asked someone if he thought that Rory should have ended up with Dean at the end of season 1, and he just stared at me like I was an idiot. God, I just can\u2019t<\/delete> even<\/insert><\/delete>.\u201d<\/insert> <\/insert><\/p>\n

When asked for comment, the indigenous Americans were reserved. Some speculated that Rory and Lorelai were royalty in the settler\u2019s homeland, while others suspected that they were vengeful gods of a <\/insert> show was some form of <\/delete>foreign <\/insert>religion that required constant worship and conversion of nonbelievers. <\/insert> <\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever this Gilmore Girls <\/em>thing is, it sure means a lot to these people,“<\/insert><\/insert>.<\/delete> said an anonymous native person. \u201cIts<\/delete> has<\/insert> been a whole day and they haven\u2019t talked to us about anything else. They should really start thinking about gathering food or making some shelters; at this rate<\/insert>the rate they\u2019re going<\/delete>, the whole group is gonna be mountain lion chow by nightfall.\u201d <\/insert> <\/insert><\/p>\n

At press time, the settlers were cutting down the local wilderness to create the continent\u2019s first frozen yogurt shop. <\/insert><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Nik Varley, Jamestown 1607 Feb. 7, 2017 Jamestown, Virginia, 1607 \u2013 Sources have confirmed that the first white people have arrived in the New World and have immediately begun explaining to the native population the merits of the CW series Gilmore Girls. The white settlers, whose ship arrived early this morning, wasted no time in describing their favorite scenes from the show at length and frequently asked natives what they thought of the show\u2019s controversial seventh season. seventh season reboot, A Year in the Life. \u201cWhen we first landed here, I couldn\u2019t believe that none of these people had seen Gilmore Girls,\u201d said white settler Katelyn Bernhard. \u201cI was like OMG [sic], where have you guys been? I binged the whole show last summer after I finished How I Met Your Mother and I\u2019ve been super into the fandom ever since.\u201d Not only had the continent\u2019s indigenous inhabitants not watched all seven seasons of the comedy\/dramadramedy, but none them had any familiarity with the show or it\u2019s recent revival Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. When asked about the quickest route to the \u201cquiet, storybook town of Stars Hollow, Connecticut,\u201d, natives responded with puzzlement and a few inconspicuous eye rolls. \u201cNone of these people have even heard of Gilmore Girls! What the hell!\u201d said exasperated white Brad McClintick-Daniels. \u201cHow do you not know about Rory and Lorelai at this point? Have they, like, not even looked at Buzzfeed in the past seven years? I asked someone if he thought that Rory should have ended up with Dean at the end of season 1, and he just stared at me like I was an idiot. God, I just can\u2019t even.\u201d When asked for comment, the indigenous Americans were reserved. Some speculated that Rory and Lorelai were royalty in the settler\u2019s homeland, while others suspected that they were vengeful gods of a show was some form of foreign religion that required constant worship and conversion of nonbelievers. \u201cWhatever this Gilmore Girls thing is, it sure means a lot to these people,“. said an anonymous native person. \u201cIts has been a whole day and they haven\u2019t talked to us about anything else. They should really start thinking about gathering food or making some shelters; at this ratethe rate they\u2019re going, the whole group is gonna be mountain lion chow by nightfall.\u201d At press time, the settlers were cutting down the local wilderness to create the continent\u2019s first frozen yogurt shop.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1652"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1652"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1652\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2685,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1652\/revisions\/2685"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1652"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1652"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1652"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}