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By Nico Aldape March 11, 2017 Memo from DOJ District Attorneys to AG Jeff Sessions:\u00a0Why Don\u2019t You Resign? Dear Attorney General: Let\u2019s just get straight to the point. I don\u2019t want to dilly-dally with side complaints or distractions. Put bluntly, you make us look bad. You have gotten more attention for your trips abroad than Rex Tillerson. We haven\u2019t heard of him taking any trips lately (which is weird, because it\u2019s his job \u2013 for all we know, he could be signing an end-poaching treaty with Narnia\u2019s lion king Aslan). Anyways, your antics are really reflecting badly on the Justice Department. It is distracting us from enforcing law, exchanging attorneys with big law firms, and dealing with all the lawsuits against your boss. We feel that the best option for everyone involved would be if you resigned. We as a collective have no confidence in your leadership. We will no longer obey office directives. We recommend that you be retroactively censured for lying as a senator. Don\u2019t even get us started on the regular page-long memos of \u201cRoll Tide!\u201d every time the University of Alabama football team plays. Having the nation\u2019s top lawyer break law by committing perjury is kind of a conflict of interest. We feel the incumbent administration is dealing with enough conflicts of interest. Why don\u2019t you resign? Memo from AG Jeff Sessions to DOJ District Attorneys: Why Don\u2019t You Resign? Dear DOJ District Attorneys: Oh, bless your heart, by golly. Thank you for your concerns. As a Southern gentleman growing up in Alabama, I learned the importance of respect and tolerance. I respect the opinions of all people whether or not I consider them socially inferior. I am tolerant of all colors and creeds, whether black, white, or white-robed. However, I am not just a Southern gentleman. I am a man of the law, and intend to stay so. I refuse to resign. It\u2019s not terrible that I might have lied under oath and violated the spirit of my office within days of obtaining it. Not every person follows every law. I bet all of you jaywalk, yet still call yourself lawyers. I could get you all disbarred for that. But I won\u2019t, because I have empathy. May I have fudged some of the details a little bit? Sure! I may or may not have been to Russia during the campaign. Just because I happen to have maybe been to a country that maybe interfered with our presidential election doesn\u2019t mean I had anything to do with it. How could I possibly be involved in events that may or may not have happened? I don\u2019t know.\u00a0I didn\u2019t mention it because it\u2019s nothing, and I have nothing to hide! It\u2019s no big deal the DA that was investigating me would be gone if you all quit, because he wouldn\u2019t have found anything anyway. Your accusations hurt me. This crybaby liberal uprising is just to keep me from implementing conservative values, like strict constructionism and strict construction of racial hierarchy. Why don\u2019t you resign?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1638","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1638"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2671,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638\/revisions\/2671"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1638"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1638"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1638"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}