{"id":1613,"date":"2013-03-16T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-03-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/35.224.237.165\/index.php\/2019\/02\/25\/student-naming-rights-sold\/"},"modified":"2019-02-26T04:57:58","modified_gmt":"2019-02-25T21:57:58","slug":"student-naming-rights-sold","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2013\/03\/16\/student-naming-rights-sold\/","title":{"rendered":"Student Naming Rights Sold"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"<\/p>\n

By Thomas Noriega<\/a><\/h6>\n
April 20, 2017<\/h6>\n

Student Naming Rights Sold<\/insert><\/delete>By Arley D. Cathey<\/insert><\/delete> <\/delete>In an effort to defray mounting debts, the University announced that, effective immediately,<\/delete> the naming rights of all current students are now available for purchase, effective immediately<\/insert>. For the duration of a student\u2019s tenure at The University of <\/insert>U<\/delete>Chicago, donors will reserve the exclusive right to name pupils <\/insert>them <\/delete><\/insert>students <\/delete><\/insert>after themselves, their friends, or their pets as they seem<\/delete> fit. Available rights will be displayed on the Dean of Students\u2019 website, along with relevant pricing.<\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cWe at the University believe this is a big step towards establishing a consistent source of income for years to come,\u201d said U<\/insert>u<\/delete>niversity financial representative,<\/delete> Milton Marks.<\/insert>,<\/delete> \u201cWith the consistent growth of our admissions pools,<\/delete> and the slow depletion of rooms, bathrooms, buildings, and <\/insert> <\/delete>B<\/insert>rutalist monuments to collective suffering, and trees to name after donors,<\/delete> this solution allows a <\/insert>dynamic,<\/insert> marketing, a<\/delete> living,<\/insert> and constantly regenerating investment for our financial backers.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

The program began its life <\/delete>in the U<\/insert>u<\/delete>niversity\u2019s School of Economics, conceived by second-year Econ\/Stats major Arley D. Cathey. \u201cI started with two assumptions:<\/delete>\u201d he said of the genesis of his program<\/delete>, \u201cT<\/insert>t<\/delete>hat the U<\/insert>u<\/delete>niversity likes to make money, and that the U<\/insert>u<\/delete>niversity likes to name shit. I wanted to find a way to satisfy both of those desires indefinitely.\u201d But Cathey couldn\u2019t do it alone. He went to Economics teaching assistant<\/insert>TA<\/delete> and <\/insert>graduate student Arley D. Cathey for help.<\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen Jo-I mean, uh, Arley came to me, I knew right away he was onto something,\u201d Cathey began,<\/delete>said.<\/insert> \u201cA renewable investment that requires almost no personal effort to profit from? It\u2019s UChicago Economics 101. Arley and I got to work immediately, and within 10 minutes, we had a plan.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

When a donor goes to purchase a student\u2019s naming rights, they\u2019<\/delete>y wi<\/insert>ll find that not all students are priced equally. The base price level for a first-year student is $1,000, a price which will double every year they remain at the University. Their GPA multiplied by $100 will be added to the price —<\/insert>,<\/delete> a decision that shouldn\u2019t affect the cost too much. Participation in RSOs will add a <\/delete>$100 per RSO, $200 for leadership roles in RSOs, and $400 for athletic participation (donors appreciate novelty). Student government positions are worth $600, and running a successful meme\/shitposting<\/delete> page fetches<\/insert>,<\/delete> a whopping $800. If a student lands an internship, their value will increase proportionally<\/insert> with the internship’s field<\/insert>to the field it is in<\/delete>. If you ar<\/insert>e third-year Arley D. Cathey, your internship at the Lincoln Presidential Library and R<\/insert>r<\/delete>esearch C<\/insert>c<\/delete>enter adds $200 to your name. If you ar<\/insert>e 1st-year master\u2019s student Arley D. Cathey, your Goldman Sachs internship makes you a golden god<\/delete>ose<\/insert> among men, whose <\/insert>name <\/delete>value may be<\/insert> measured only<\/insert>only measured<\/delete> in the wildest dreams of history\u2019s greatest rulers.<\/insert><\/p>\n

In addition to current students, the university is currently accepting pre–<\/insert>orders on naming rights to the class of 2021 and the firstborn children of all alumni.<\/insert><\/p>\n

In unrelated news, Arley D. Cathey has become the most popular name on 4 separate continents, baffling onomasiologists worldwide.<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Thomas Noriega April 20, 2017 Student Naming Rights SoldBy Arley D. Cathey In an effort to defray mounting debts, the University announced that, effective immediately, the naming rights of all current students are now available for purchase, effective immediately. For the duration of a student\u2019s tenure at The University of UChicago, donors will reserve the exclusive right to name pupils them students after themselves, their friends, or their pets as they seem fit. Available rights will be displayed on the Dean of Students\u2019 website, along with relevant pricing. \u201cWe at the University believe this is a big step towards establishing a consistent source of income for years to come,\u201d said Uuniversity financial representative, Milton Marks., \u201cWith the consistent growth of our admissions pools, and the slow depletion of rooms, bathrooms, buildings, and Brutalist monuments to collective suffering, and trees to name after donors, this solution allows a dynamic, marketing, a living, and constantly regenerating investment for our financial backers.\u201d The program began its life in the Uuniversity\u2019s School of Economics, conceived by second-year Econ\/Stats major Arley D. Cathey. \u201cI started with two assumptions:\u201d he said of the genesis of his program, \u201cTthat the Uuniversity likes to make money, and that the Uuniversity likes to name shit. I wanted to find a way to satisfy both of those desires indefinitely.\u201d But Cathey couldn\u2019t do it alone. He went to Economics teaching assistantTA and graduate student Arley D. Cathey for help. \u201cWhen Jo-I mean, uh, Arley came to me, I knew right away he was onto something,\u201d Cathey began,said. \u201cA renewable investment that requires almost no personal effort to profit from? It\u2019s UChicago Economics 101. Arley and I got to work immediately, and within 10 minutes, we had a plan.\u201d When a donor goes to purchase a student\u2019s naming rights, they\u2019y will find that not all students are priced equally. The base price level for a first-year student is $1,000, a price which will double every year they remain at the University. Their GPA multiplied by $100 will be added to the price —, a decision that shouldn\u2019t affect the cost too much. Participation in RSOs will add a $100 per RSO, $200 for leadership roles in RSOs, and $400 for athletic participation (donors appreciate novelty). Student government positions are worth $600, and running a successful meme\/shitposting page fetches, a whopping $800. If a student lands an internship, their value will increase proportionally with the internship’s fieldto the field it is in. If you are third-year Arley D. Cathey, your internship at the Lincoln Presidential Library and Rresearch Ccenter adds $200 to your name. If you are 1st-year master\u2019s student Arley D. Cathey, your Goldman Sachs internship makes you a golden godose among men, whose name value may be measured onlyonly measured in the wildest dreams of history\u2019s greatest rulers. In addition to current students, the university is currently accepting pre–orders on naming rights to the class of 2021 and the firstborn children of all alumni. In unrelated news, Arley D. Cathey has become the most popular name on 4 separate continents, baffling onomasiologists worldwide.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1613","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1613","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1613"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1613\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2646,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1613\/revisions\/2646"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1613"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1613"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1613"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}