{"id":1612,"date":"2013-03-16T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-03-15T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/35.224.237.165\/index.php\/2019\/02\/25\/new-divinity-school-dean-strings-up-sinners-in-the-village-square\/"},"modified":"2019-02-26T04:57:58","modified_gmt":"2019-02-25T21:57:58","slug":"new-divinity-school-dean-strings-up-sinners-in-the-village-square","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2013\/03\/16\/new-divinity-school-dean-strings-up-sinners-in-the-village-square\/","title":{"rendered":"New Divinity School Dean Strings Up Sinners in the Village Square"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"<\/p>\n

By Nik Varley<\/a><\/h6>\n
April 20, 2017<\/h6>\n

New Divinity School Dean Strings Up Sinners in the Village Square<\/insert><\/delete> <\/insert><\/delete>On March 28th, The University of Chicago announced that Laurie Zoloth, a preeminent religious scholar, has been appointed as the new D<\/insert>d<\/delete>ean of the Divinity S<\/insert>s<\/delete>chool. Today, as her first act as dean, Zoloth publicly punished and shamed campus sinners in a demonstration on the main quad. The students, which Zoloth described as \u201cenemies of God,<\/insert>\u201d were placed in stocks, branded, whipped with a cat o\u2019 nine tails,<\/insert> and physically reprimanded with a variety of other anachronistic methods. <\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I was offered the position of Dean of the Divinity School, I was overjoyed,<\/insert>\u201d said Zoloth. \u201cAt the time, I had no idea that the University of Chicago was a hotbed of sin, blasphemy, lewdness, depravity,<\/insert> and general moral degradation. As D<\/insert>d<\/delete>ean of the Divinity School, it\u2019s my duty to restore God\u2019s light to this campus, something which I\u2019m willing to accomplish by any means necessary.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

The student body, which was not informed of Zoloth\u2019s new measures, was taken completely by surprise. Many did not realize the extent of their punishments until it was too late.<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cI made the mistake of using the word \u2018damn\u2019 in front of her. Next thing I knew, she was after me with something called an ‘<\/insert>ear crop‘,<\/insert>\u201d said shaken first year Daniel Duchovny. \u201cThat wasn\u2019t even the worst of it \u2013 I saw her put a girl in the stocks for \u2018dressing immodestly\u2019. Oh, and the frats are in total disarray. She took one look at DU and immediately set fire to the building.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

After setting fire to the DU house in what she referred to as a \u201csacred cleansing in the eyes of God,<\/insert>\u201d,<\/delete> Zoloth then forced several FIJI brothers into an iron maiden. She later branded members of Blue Chips for \u201cwallowing in the sins of pride and covetousness,<\/insert>\u201d,<\/delete> and chained an evolutionary biology professor to a d<\/insert>slit the tongue of an evolutionary biology professor<\/delete>ucking stool<\/insert> for \u201cspeaking heresies against the word of the Lord.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

\u201cI am willing to escalate this to the level of an inquisition if necessary,<\/insert>\u201d said Zoloth, donning a black capotain hat. \u201cI intend to stamp out every form of godlessness on this campus that I can, whether it be heresy, indecency, witchcraft,<\/insert> or fornication. Actually, fornication isn\u2019t really that big of an issue here \u2013 I guess that makes things a little easier for me.\u201d<\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

Ironically, the only students who have expressed any approval for Zoloth\u2019s disciplinary measures are the members of the Kink C<\/insert>c<\/delete>lub, who described the new policies as \u201cpretty dang hot\u201d and \u201clong overdue.<\/insert>\u201d.<\/delete> <\/insert><\/p>\n

<\/insert><\/p>\n

When asked for comment on the apparently U<\/insert>u<\/delete>niversity–<\/insert> <\/delete>mandated torture of undergraduates, a representative from the administration responded,<\/insert> \u201cEh, whatever. Call me if she starts torturing the graduate students.\u201d He then returned to arranging a catered lunch for the University\u2019s board of trustees.<\/insert><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Nik Varley April 20, 2017 New Divinity School Dean Strings Up Sinners in the Village Square On March 28th, The University of Chicago announced that Laurie Zoloth, a preeminent religious scholar, has been appointed as the new Ddean of the Divinity Sschool. Today, as her first act as dean, Zoloth publicly punished and shamed campus sinners in a demonstration on the main quad. The students, which Zoloth described as \u201cenemies of God,\u201d were placed in stocks, branded, whipped with a cat o\u2019 nine tails, and physically reprimanded with a variety of other anachronistic methods. \u201cWhen I was offered the position of Dean of the Divinity School, I was overjoyed,\u201d said Zoloth. \u201cAt the time, I had no idea that the University of Chicago was a hotbed of sin, blasphemy, lewdness, depravity, and general moral degradation. As Ddean of the Divinity School, it\u2019s my duty to restore God\u2019s light to this campus, something which I\u2019m willing to accomplish by any means necessary.\u201d The student body, which was not informed of Zoloth\u2019s new measures, was taken completely by surprise. Many did not realize the extent of their punishments until it was too late. \u201cI made the mistake of using the word \u2018damn\u2019 in front of her. Next thing I knew, she was after me with something called an ‘ear crop‘,\u201d said shaken first year Daniel Duchovny. \u201cThat wasn\u2019t even the worst of it \u2013 I saw her put a girl in the stocks for \u2018dressing immodestly\u2019. Oh, and the frats are in total disarray. She took one look at DU and immediately set fire to the building.\u201d After setting fire to the DU house in what she referred to as a \u201csacred cleansing in the eyes of God,\u201d, Zoloth then forced several FIJI brothers into an iron maiden. She later branded members of Blue Chips for \u201cwallowing in the sins of pride and covetousness,\u201d, and chained an evolutionary biology professor to a dslit the tongue of an evolutionary biology professorucking stool for \u201cspeaking heresies against the word of the Lord.\u201d \u201cI am willing to escalate this to the level of an inquisition if necessary,\u201d said Zoloth, donning a black capotain hat. \u201cI intend to stamp out every form of godlessness on this campus that I can, whether it be heresy, indecency, witchcraft, or fornication. Actually, fornication isn\u2019t really that big of an issue here \u2013 I guess that makes things a little easier for me.\u201d Ironically, the only students who have expressed any approval for Zoloth\u2019s disciplinary measures are the members of the Kink Cclub, who described the new policies as \u201cpretty dang hot\u201d and \u201clong overdue.\u201d. When asked for comment on the apparently Uuniversity– mandated torture of undergraduates, a representative from the administration responded, \u201cEh, whatever. Call me if she starts torturing the graduate students.\u201d He then returned to arranging a catered lunch for the University\u2019s board of trustees.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1612"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1612"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1612\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2645,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1612\/revisions\/2645"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1612"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1612"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1612"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}