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By Mark Trietal Aug. 17, 2017 University officials are reporting overfull classrooms, teacher shortages, and general panic after finding that every member of the class of 2021 has registered for honors analysis. \u201cAt the University of Chicago, we strive to encourage independent thinking and learning\u201d said Dean Boyer in a statement responding to the event. \u201cWe thought that allowing students to register for classes before having the opportunity to speak with advisors, older students, or really anyone who knows the lay of the land would help to encourage our spirit of rigorous, self-motivated enquiry. Turns out we goofed on that one though. I didn\u2019t even know what UChicago Secrets was a few months ago, but apparently it\u2019s become the number one source of advice for the incoming class.\u201d Boyer also mentioned that the college had received hundreds of requests for non-existent classes that \u201cwere extremely vulgar and beneath the dignity of our University. Or any university, really. With the possible exception of Northwestern.\u201d Sandra Blake, an academic advisor, expressed despair at the state of registration. \u201cHonestly, I don\u2019t know how they were all able to register for Honors Analysis. Shouldn\u2019t the class have been full? Probably something to do with switching to Canvas. Frickin\u2019 Canvas.\u201d When asked about the first years themselves, Ms. Blake displayed a similar level of disillusionment and alarming symptoms of several mental disorders: \u201cI just don\u2019t know what to do with them. If I hear one more firstie say \u2018Well, I don\u2019t know if you really understand, but I actually did pretty well with math in high school\u2019 I swear I\u2019ll\u2026\u201d (At this point Ms. Blake contorted her fingers in what appeared to be a choking gesture, while doing her best to smile through gritted teeth. After several minutes spent reassuring your correspondent that this was a joke, the interview proceeded.) \u201cI swear, I\u2019ve tried everything. I posted sample problems on my door, you know, to try and deter them, but some smart ass wrote \u20183\u2019 for all of them, and everyone else seems to agree. I\u2019ve changed my email signature to a warning against hubris written by a 14th century monk. I feel like I\u2019ve just run out of options at this point.\u201d Judy Garza, the departmental administrator for the mathematics department, expressed concerns about the logistical challenge posed by the first years. \u201cWe\u2019ve filled every classroom actually allotted to us, so we\u2019ve been trying to snag space from the \u2013 what are those subjects where you don\u2019t need proof for anything? Right, the humanities. Anyway, we\u2019re stealing their classrooms. And we\u2019ve run out of qualified teachers too. I made a big dent in both those problems by convincing Dean Boyer that students want to hear him lecture on the history of UChicago in Mandel hall. If he ever raises his voice above a mumble we\u2019ll be screwed, but so far, so good. We\u2019re putting those first years anywhere we can.\u201d When asked about his honors analysis class, first year Brody Finlayson was somewhat confused, yet relaxed. \u201cHonors analysis has been going, like, great\u201d he said. \u201cI mean, I expected it, since I was so smart in high school. Didn\u2019t expect there to be so much about Foucault and the neoliberal state, though. Not sure what\u2019s up with that.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1583"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1583"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1583\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2616,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1583\/revisions\/2616"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1583"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1583"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1583"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}