<\/p>\n
Incoming first year Brian Porter is extremely excited to be attending a top-tier institution like the University of Chicago where he can “finally gain exposure to a diverse group of complete assholes,” the Dealer <\/em>reports.<\/p>\n \u201cBack home in Kettlesworth, we only had meth-head assholes and quarterback assholes,\u201d Porter explained. \u201cI can\u2019t wait to meet some genuine philosophy major assholes, social justice pricks, and study abroad scumbags!\u201d<\/p>\n The university has long been making efforts to recruit new varieties of insufferable asshats. President Zimmer commented, \u201cThe University of Chicago is distinctive in many respects, but perhaps in no way more so than in our singular commitment to generating a campus community of diverse dickbags from every corner of society.\u201d Similarly, Dean Nondorf remarked, \u201cWe have over 400 student organizations on campus, so there are countless ways to explore your own unique brand of douchebaggery.\u201d<\/p>\n However, the administration\u2019s efforts have not been without controversy. Some students feel that certain kinds of conceited fuckwads\u2014notably Dr. Who assholes and STEM chauvinist assholes\u2014are still overrepresented on campus. Zimmer is willing to concede that \u201cwe could use a greater spread of assholes.\u201d<\/p>\n Meanwhile, others complain that the university shouldn\u2019t base its admissions policies on the kind of asshole the student is, but rather the degree to which they suck. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t admit a French poetry expert who\u2019s only mildly intolerable, just because those are rare, when you could admit the world\u2019s worst militant atheist,\u201d says third-year Freddy Waters. \u201cThat\u2019s just not fair to those of us that work extra hard to be terrible and technically correct.\u201d <\/p>\n Regardless of these diversity issues, Porter is still enthusiastic about his upcoming undergraduate experience. \u201cI hope I get to meet a fundamentals major,\u201d he whispered to the Dealer<\/em>. \u201cBut I don\u2019t want to get my hopes up.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Morgan Pantuck, 5th Year Student Aug. 17, 2017 Incoming first year Brian Porter is extremely excited to be attending a top-tier institution like the University of Chicago where he can “finally gain exposure to a diverse group of complete assholes,” the Dealer reports. \u201cBack home in Kettlesworth, we only had meth-head assholes and quarterback assholes,\u201d Porter explained. \u201cI can\u2019t wait to meet some genuine philosophy major assholes, social justice pricks, and study abroad scumbags!\u201d The university has long been making efforts to recruit new varieties of insufferable asshats. President Zimmer commented, \u201cThe University of Chicago is distinctive in many respects, but perhaps in no way more so than in our singular commitment to generating a campus community of diverse dickbags from every corner of society.\u201d Similarly, Dean Nondorf remarked, \u201cWe have over 400 student organizations on campus, so there are countless ways to explore your own unique brand of douchebaggery.\u201d However, the administration\u2019s efforts have not been without controversy. Some students feel that certain kinds of conceited fuckwads\u2014notably Dr. Who assholes and STEM chauvinist assholes\u2014are still overrepresented on campus. Zimmer is willing to concede that \u201cwe could use a greater spread of assholes.\u201d Meanwhile, others complain that the university shouldn\u2019t base its admissions policies on the kind of asshole the student is, but rather the degree to which they suck. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t admit a French poetry expert who\u2019s only mildly intolerable, just because those are rare, when you could admit the world\u2019s worst militant atheist,\u201d says third-year Freddy Waters. \u201cThat\u2019s just not fair to those of us that work extra hard to be terrible and technically correct.\u201d Regardless of these diversity issues, Porter is still enthusiastic about his upcoming undergraduate experience. \u201cI hope I get to meet a fundamentals major,\u201d he whispered to the Dealer. \u201cBut I don\u2019t want to get my hopes up.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1581","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1581","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1581"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1581\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2614,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1581\/revisions\/2614"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1581"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1581"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1581"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}