<\/p>\n
He is hard to miss on the quad. Goofy smile. Gigantic backpack. And a maroon lanyard with an attached plastic ID case bouncing off of his chest. Ever since he arrived on campus for O-Week, Jeffery Bolt has embraced all that it means to be a first year on campus. That is… until it all went wrong.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Friends had warned him. \u201cJeff,\u201d they would say. \u201cYou can keep your ID in your wallet. There\u2019s really no need to wear the lanyard\u201d Jeff disagreed. \u201cThe lanyard provides the most rapid way to access my ID. It\u2019s a completely practical thing!\u201d <\/p>\n<\/p>\n
However, his roommate, Jack Sullivan was unconvinced. \u201cJeff literally wears his lanyard to bed\u2026 and in the shower. It\u2019s weird. I think it\u2019s some kind of security blanket for him. Like to prove he goes here? Dude, we all go here. You\u2019re not special anymore.\u201d <\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Jeff replied to the Shady Dealer\u2019s queries defensively \u201cI like having it near me, ok?\u201d He yelled. \u201cStop asking me so many questions about the lanyard. It stays on my neck and that\u2019s all you really need to know. You\u2019re the one obsessed with the lanyard. Not me!\u201d Jeff fled from our reporter by boarding the North shuttle with a knowing smirk and pointing to his chest. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Perhaps most annoyed was his girlfriend, Thelma Chen. \u201cHe gets completely naked but still won\u2019t take off the lanyard! And then, when we have sex, it always whacks into my face. Look, I know we\u2019ve only been dating for two days but I think we should break up,\u201d she declared.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
While reportedly \u201cheartbroken\u201d from Thelma, Jeffery still refused to take off the lanyard, which at this point had turned from maroon to brown with dirt. Even worse, the skin around the lanyard began to surround the thinning rope. His RH insisted that he go to student health services. Jeffery made an appointment for the soonest date available.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Four weeks later, Jeffery had his appointment. Dr. Sarit Dorr was flabbergasted: \u201cYour body has enveloped a foreign object. We are going to have to operate immediately.\u201d Jeffery refused. \u201cI\u2019d rather DIE than take it off.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
He was buried in his lanyard. RIP Jeffery Bolt April 4, 1998- November 10, 2017<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Chase Harrison Oct. 17, 2017 He is hard to miss on the quad. Goofy smile. Gigantic backpack. And a maroon lanyard with an attached plastic ID case bouncing off of his chest. Ever since he arrived on campus for O-Week, Jeffery Bolt has embraced all that it means to be a first year on campus. That is… until it all went wrong. Friends had warned him. \u201cJeff,\u201d they would say. \u201cYou can keep your ID in your wallet. There\u2019s really no need to wear the lanyard\u201d Jeff disagreed. \u201cThe lanyard provides the most rapid way to access my ID. It\u2019s a completely practical thing!\u201d However, his roommate, Jack Sullivan was unconvinced. \u201cJeff literally wears his lanyard to bed\u2026 and in the shower. It\u2019s weird. I think it\u2019s some kind of security blanket for him. Like to prove he goes here? Dude, we all go here. You\u2019re not special anymore.\u201d Jeff replied to the Shady Dealer\u2019s queries defensively \u201cI like having it near me, ok?\u201d He yelled. \u201cStop asking me so many questions about the lanyard. It stays on my neck and that\u2019s all you really need to know. You\u2019re the one obsessed with the lanyard. Not me!\u201d Jeff fled from our reporter by boarding the North shuttle with a knowing smirk and pointing to his chest. Perhaps most annoyed was his girlfriend, Thelma Chen. \u201cHe gets completely naked but still won\u2019t take off the lanyard! And then, when we have sex, it always whacks into my face. Look, I know we\u2019ve only been dating for two days but I think we should break up,\u201d she declared. While reportedly \u201cheartbroken\u201d from Thelma, Jeffery still refused to take off the lanyard, which at this point had turned from maroon to brown with dirt. Even worse, the skin around the lanyard began to surround the thinning rope. His RH insisted that he go to student health services. Jeffery made an appointment for the soonest date available. Four weeks later, Jeffery had his appointment. Dr. Sarit Dorr was flabbergasted: \u201cYour body has enveloped a foreign object. We are going to have to operate immediately.\u201d Jeffery refused. \u201cI\u2019d rather DIE than take it off.\u201d He was buried in his lanyard. RIP Jeffery Bolt April 4, 1998- November 10, 2017<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1554"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1554"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1554\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2587,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1554\/revisions\/2587"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1554"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1554"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1554"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}