So, you have your lover over, you\u2019ve managed to not step in horse shit all day, and you\u2019re lying in bed together. Nothing could go wrong \u2013 or could it? Suddenly, the foul stench of your nocturnal waste emissions permeates the room, much to the disgust of your spouse.<\/p>\n
Has this ever happened to you? If so, the\u00a0Shady Dealer<\/em>\u00a0has five simple tips to help cover the smell!<\/p>\n 1)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Buy some flowers from the local botanist! Buying flowers for one\u2019s lover seems to be a trend in these Middle Ages (which I think will die out as flowers do, but that\u2019s beside the point). The light smell of roses, columbines, and petunias blends perfectly with the raw sewage, creating a tolerable manure mixture!<\/p>\n 2)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Procure incense from the Far East! If flowers’ scents just aren\u2019t doing it for you, you can take a short 4-year trip along the Silk Road to India! All one needs are a fair amount of gold, a ship, access to a port, and a supply of lemons for scurvy! See, so simple. Wouldn\u2019t you much rather have your residence smell like cumin than cum?<\/p>\n 3)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Buy a bunch of rats and just have them eat the chamber pot\u2019s contents! Why see rats as vermin or urban pestilence? Those short-haired little shits can eat your (hopefully not haired, because that\u2019d be fucking odd) big shits! Rats get taken off the streets, you get free pets, and you don\u2019t have to worry about cleanup or emptying ever again! Win-win-win.<\/p>\n 4)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Place chamber pots in every other room! Rather than having the fresh scents of gruel, soup of cabbage in water (often too spicy for my taste), and chicken coops, why not make your whole apartment smell like chamber pots? This may seem counterintuitive, I know, but we all get used to smells! This way, it won\u2019t stand out.<\/p>\n 5)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Be single! This would honestly be the simplest solution of the five. You don\u2019t have to worry about a lover smelling thy chamber pot and expressing olfactory displeasure if you have no lover. Plus, there\u2019s the added benefit of only having one person\u2019s waste to clean up! We highly recommend this, as the\u00a0Shady Dealer<\/em>\u00a0cannot ensure said lover will survive the next plague. Just be fucking single.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" So, you have your lover over, you\u2019ve managed to not step in horse shit all day, and you\u2019re lying in bed together. Nothing could go wrong \u2013 or could it? Suddenly, the foul stench of your nocturnal waste emissions permeates the room, much to the disgust of your spouse. Has this ever happened to you? If so, the\u00a0Shady Dealer\u00a0has five simple tips to help cover the smell! 1)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Buy some flowers from the local botanist! Buying flowers for one\u2019s lover seems to be a trend in these Middle Ages (which I think will die out as flowers do, but that\u2019s beside the point). The light smell of roses, columbines, and petunias blends perfectly with the raw sewage, creating a tolerable manure mixture! 2)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Procure incense from the Far East! If flowers’ scents just aren\u2019t doing it for you, you can take a short 4-year trip along the Silk Road to India! All one needs are a fair amount of gold, a ship, access to a port, and a supply of lemons for scurvy! See, so simple. Wouldn\u2019t you much rather have your residence smell like cumin than cum? 3)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Buy a bunch of rats and just have them eat the chamber pot\u2019s contents! Why see rats as vermin or urban pestilence? Those short-haired little shits can eat your (hopefully not haired, because that\u2019d be fucking odd) big shits! Rats get taken off the streets, you get free pets, and you don\u2019t have to worry about cleanup or emptying ever again! Win-win-win. 4)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Place chamber pots in every other room! Rather than having the fresh scents of gruel, soup of cabbage in water (often too spicy for my taste), and chicken coops, why not make your whole apartment smell like chamber pots? This may seem counterintuitive, I know, but we all get used to smells! This way, it won\u2019t stand out. 5)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Be single! This would honestly be the simplest solution of the five. You don\u2019t have to worry about a lover smelling thy chamber pot and expressing olfactory displeasure if you have no lover. Plus, there\u2019s the added benefit of only having one person\u2019s waste to clean up! We highly recommend this, as the\u00a0Shady Dealer\u00a0cannot ensure said lover will survive the next plague. Just be fucking single. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3439,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[11],"class_list":["post-154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-historical-issue","tag-15-4"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=154"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":307,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154\/revisions\/307"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3439"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=154"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=154"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=154"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}