![\"](\"https:\/\/shadybucket.s3.amazonaws.com\/images\/Groundsswiftgoingtoheaven.width-300.jpg\")
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A Swift Rapture<\/p>\n
University coffee shop Grounds of Being rose into the sky this past Sunday, in what\u00a0observers have called the greatest modern miracle since The Wire<\/i>.\u00a0<\/p>\n
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The ascension took place just after a public address by Dean of the Divinity School\u00a0Laurie Zoloth, during which she announced her decision to replace not only the beloved haunt of\u00a0graduate students, but the entire Divinity School with a Jewel Osco. Dean Zoloth spoke from a\u00a0third-floor balcony to a crowd of thousands, mostly unlettered tradesmen and peasants, who said\u00a0that they were \u201cawed to be in the presence of a figure they had previously only seen on coins and\u00a0in sculpture.\u201d The clouds reportedly parted when she mentioned that the new Jewel Osco would\u00a0sell indulgences.<\/p>\n
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Then, all at once, the Earth split open and the coffee shop rose from the earth as a voice from the sky boomed, \u201cCAN\u2019T BE\u00a0HAVING ANY OF THAT.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI guess it really was where He drank coffee,\u201d said fourth year student and former\u00a0Grounds of Being barista Nostradamus Egglington. \u201cOne of the Mug Club members did use the wooden\u00a0chalice from Indiana Jones and the Search for the Holy Grail<\/i>, but it always seemed like a joke.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
In all the excitement, however, many failed to notice a number of smaller ascensions that occurred\u00a0throughout the following night. Fifty half darks from Harold\u2019s Chicken, the top floor of North\u00a0Campus Residential Commons, and all of Dirt Red Brass Band were seen entering the\u00a0stratosphere around midnight, and reports continue to pile up. Fearing a major blow to its faculty,\u00a0the University has chained all of its Nobel Prize economists to the ground, but so far none seem\u00a0to be in danger of entering Heaven.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Shady Dealer reporters reached out to God in prayer, asking comment on this matter. God simply replied: \u201cSEM\u00a0CO-OP IS NEXT.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Jughead Greg April 20, 2018 A Swift Rapture University coffee shop Grounds of Being rose into the sky this past Sunday, in what\u00a0observers have called the greatest modern miracle since The Wire.\u00a0 The ascension took place just after a public address by Dean of the Divinity School\u00a0Laurie Zoloth, during which she announced her decision to replace not only the beloved haunt of\u00a0graduate students, but the entire Divinity School with a Jewel Osco. Dean Zoloth spoke from a\u00a0third-floor balcony to a crowd of thousands, mostly unlettered tradesmen and peasants, who said\u00a0that they were \u201cawed to be in the presence of a figure they had previously only seen on coins and\u00a0in sculpture.\u201d The clouds reportedly parted when she mentioned that the new Jewel Osco would\u00a0sell indulgences. Then, all at once, the Earth split open and the coffee shop rose from the earth as a voice from the sky boomed, \u201cCAN\u2019T BE\u00a0HAVING ANY OF THAT.\u201d \u201cI guess it really was where He drank coffee,\u201d said fourth year student and former\u00a0Grounds of Being barista Nostradamus Egglington. \u201cOne of the Mug Club members did use the wooden\u00a0chalice from Indiana Jones and the Search for the Holy Grail, but it always seemed like a joke.\u201d In all the excitement, however, many failed to notice a number of smaller ascensions that occurred\u00a0throughout the following night. Fifty half darks from Harold\u2019s Chicken, the top floor of North\u00a0Campus Residential Commons, and all of Dirt Red Brass Band were seen entering the\u00a0stratosphere around midnight, and reports continue to pile up. Fearing a major blow to its faculty,\u00a0the University has chained all of its Nobel Prize economists to the ground, but so far none seem\u00a0to be in danger of entering Heaven. Shady Dealer reporters reached out to God in prayer, asking comment on this matter. God simply replied: \u201cSEM\u00a0CO-OP IS NEXT.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1491","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1491","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1491"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1491\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2524,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1491\/revisions\/2524"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1491"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1491"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1491"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}