<\/p>\n
Investigative journalists for the Chicago Shady Dealer have discovered the source of the grotesque and inflammatory posts frequently submitted to the popular UChicago Secrets Facebook page: a large, writhing colony of sewer mutants who live beneath the streets of Hyde Park. The Dealer can confirm that these unfortunate creatures\u2014some sallow and eel-like, others resembling partially squashed insects\u2014make a nightly journey from the Chicago sewer system to the city surface in order to sneak into Regenstein Library and write that night\u2019s batch of secrets.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u201cYeah, I saw one of them yesterday on the A-Level while I was pulling an all-nighter,\u201d said first year student Asher Ferguson. \u201cIt was oozing raw sewage directly from its hands onto the keyboard while it described how minorities should act around the police–totally nauseating.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt first I thought about trying to help it, it looked like it was in so much pain,\u201d explained fourth year Deborah Pines, who spotted a mutant in the Logan Center.\u00a0 \u201cBut then I saw that it was writing a ten-paragraph screed describing how women wouldn\u2019t get sexually assaulted if they stopped wearing miniskirts, and I knew I had to get out of there. Don\u2019t even get me started on the smell.\u201d<\/p>\n
Eyewitness reports confirmed that several mutants completed their nightly debauchery by writing lewd comments in the Harper men\u2019s bathroom stalls and stealing all of the spoons from Bartlett. When reached for comment, the sewer mutants emitted a series of highly unpleasant screeching and grinding sounds from what appeared to be mouth-like organs, from which they proceeded to eject a black, globular substance that was then quickly harvested by Dining Hall staff for what remains, at this point, unknown purposes. <\/p>\n
At press time, the sun was rising over Hyde Park and a swarm of cherubic angels was descending from the heavens to write the day\u2019s UChicago Crushes. \u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 <\/p>\n
<\/br><\/br><\/br><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Nik Varley April 20, 2018 Investigative journalists for the Chicago Shady Dealer have discovered the source of the grotesque and inflammatory posts frequently submitted to the popular UChicago Secrets Facebook page: a large, writhing colony of sewer mutants who live beneath the streets of Hyde Park. The Dealer can confirm that these unfortunate creatures\u2014some sallow and eel-like, others resembling partially squashed insects\u2014make a nightly journey from the Chicago sewer system to the city surface in order to sneak into Regenstein Library and write that night\u2019s batch of secrets. \u00a0\u201cYeah, I saw one of them yesterday on the A-Level while I was pulling an all-nighter,\u201d said first year student Asher Ferguson. \u201cIt was oozing raw sewage directly from its hands onto the keyboard while it described how minorities should act around the police–totally nauseating.\u201d \u201cAt first I thought about trying to help it, it looked like it was in so much pain,\u201d explained fourth year Deborah Pines, who spotted a mutant in the Logan Center.\u00a0 \u201cBut then I saw that it was writing a ten-paragraph screed describing how women wouldn\u2019t get sexually assaulted if they stopped wearing miniskirts, and I knew I had to get out of there. Don\u2019t even get me started on the smell.\u201d Eyewitness reports confirmed that several mutants completed their nightly debauchery by writing lewd comments in the Harper men\u2019s bathroom stalls and stealing all of the spoons from Bartlett. When reached for comment, the sewer mutants emitted a series of highly unpleasant screeching and grinding sounds from what appeared to be mouth-like organs, from which they proceeded to eject a black, globular substance that was then quickly harvested by Dining Hall staff for what remains, at this point, unknown purposes. At press time, the sun was rising over Hyde Park and a swarm of cherubic angels was descending from the heavens to write the day\u2019s UChicago Crushes. \u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1489","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1489","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1489"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1489\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2522,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1489\/revisions\/2522"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1489"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1489"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1489"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}