<\/p>\n
Hyde Park, 2018<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
There\u2019s an old Irish (American) limerick that goes something like this: \u201cThere once was a gargoyle from Nantucket, then he moved to Hyde Park and gentrified the neighborhood.\u201d \u00a0Sweet poem, right broskis? Anyway, we interviewed that gargoyle, or was it an old man with a skin condition? Probably should have checked. So read the interview if you want, or, like, not. We don\u2019t really care. They pay me by the word, and that word is “moist.” With that, enjoy the interview!\u00a0<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Note from the Editors: This interview and the views expressed in it do not reflect those of the Dealer editors and staff.\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
Dealer: Hello, thanks for meeting with us. We\u2019re so glad you could take time from your busy schedule to answer our questions. I was hoping you could shed light on the history of UChicago through the eyes of one its oldest community members.<\/p>\n
Gargoyle: Questions, questions, questions! I remember when I had questions, once. Questions like, \u201cWhat building will I be put on?\u201d or \u201cWhat does pigeon shit taste like?\u201d or \u201cWill this sculptor remember to give me a big dick?\u201d \u00a0You whippersnappers and your questions. I asked questions back when I was newly birthed (and by birthed I mean birthed<\/b>). I remember Grand Pappy would always avoid my questions. He kept screaming \u201cI\u2019ll never talk! You can waterboard me all you want!\u201d I was in the CIA back then. 2007 was a different time.<\/p>\n
Dealer: Of course, of course. Now, on to the first question. Tell us a bit about yourself–what do you do on campus?<\/p>\n
Gargoyle: Eh? When I\u2019m not running my side business of being a Milton Friedman stunt double, I mostly just sit and brood. From time to time I also post on UChicago Secrets whenever I feel like people don\u2019t hate life just as much as I do. Oh, that reminds me, I spend a lot of time streaming Disney\u2019s Pinocchio <\/i>on loop while muttering, \u201cI wish I were a real boy,\u201d under my breath.<\/p>\n
Dealer: Utterly fascinating; you really are full of wisdom. Now let’s shift our focus back to the University. Could you describe the early days of UChicago?<\/p>\n
Gargoyle: Well, after chasing the Baptists of the Old University out with a fire and one saucy waltz, the founders of the new University of Chicago took it upon themselves to declare the University the only officially Zoroastrian university in the country, until we found out Harvard had beaten us to it, so we became Rastafarians instead. This went on for a few years until we found a new God: Benny \u201cJay\u201d Franklin\u2019s sweet, sweet 100 dollar bills–Richie Rich\u2019s Almanac if you will. And we haven\u2019t looked back since.<\/p>\n
It was after this that President Harper, our first President (and our last) said, \u201cFuck it, I want a library.\u201d And lo\u2019 Harper Memorial Library was built, named after this famous memo. Granted, he also said, \u201cWe should name that building BJ,\u201d and people took him seriously, so maybe he wasn\u2019t 100% full of good ideas.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Dealer: [Sycophant noises]. Now, how would you say the University has changed?<\/p>\n
Gargoyle: Well, my dick got smaller. What I mean by that is, that when you\u2019re gargoyle like myself, shrinkage isn\u2019t the real enemy, acid rain is. In less important news, though, I think it all went wrong when they filmed Divergent <\/i>here. Ever since then we\u2019ve been trying to capture lightning in a bottle and be like all the cool schools. Hasn\u2019t really worked out for us.<\/p>\n
Dealer: Now we\u2019re going to shift into rapid-fire questions. What\u2019s your opinion on Grotesques?<\/p>\n
Gargoyle: Fuck \u2019em.<\/p>\n
Dealer: Best 4\/20 on campus?<\/p>\n
Gargoyle: The 4\/20 of 1902 was a sight to behold, even though at the time we didn\u2019t know why we smoked on that day. We just felt like we had to. A lot of people think our coat of arms is a phoenix being reborn in the flames; it’s actually me being reborn in a cloud of the \u2018devil\u2019s lettuce,\u2019 as we called it in those days<\/p>\n
Dealer: Future profesional plans now that you\u2019re set to retire as campus gargoyle?<\/p>\n
Gargoyle: I\u2019ll be taking a joint position in the Econ department and Booth.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By David Manchego May 5, 2018 Hyde Park, 2018 There\u2019s an old Irish (American) limerick that goes something like this: \u201cThere once was a gargoyle from Nantucket, then he moved to Hyde Park and gentrified the neighborhood.\u201d \u00a0Sweet poem, right broskis? Anyway, we interviewed that gargoyle, or was it an old man with a skin condition? Probably should have checked. So read the interview if you want, or, like, not. We don\u2019t really care. They pay me by the word, and that word is “moist.” With that, enjoy the interview!\u00a0 Note from the Editors: This interview and the views expressed in it do not reflect those of the Dealer editors and staff.\u00a0 Dealer: Hello, thanks for meeting with us. We\u2019re so glad you could take time from your busy schedule to answer our questions. I was hoping you could shed light on the history of UChicago through the eyes of one its oldest community members. Gargoyle: Questions, questions, questions! I remember when I had questions, once. Questions like, \u201cWhat building will I be put on?\u201d or \u201cWhat does pigeon shit taste like?\u201d or \u201cWill this sculptor remember to give me a big dick?\u201d \u00a0You whippersnappers and your questions. I asked questions back when I was newly birthed (and by birthed I mean birthed). I remember Grand Pappy would always avoid my questions. He kept screaming \u201cI\u2019ll never talk! You can waterboard me all you want!\u201d I was in the CIA back then. 2007 was a different time. Dealer: Of course, of course. Now, on to the first question. Tell us a bit about yourself–what do you do on campus? Gargoyle: Eh? When I\u2019m not running my side business of being a Milton Friedman stunt double, I mostly just sit and brood. From time to time I also post on UChicago Secrets whenever I feel like people don\u2019t hate life just as much as I do. Oh, that reminds me, I spend a lot of time streaming Disney\u2019s Pinocchio on loop while muttering, \u201cI wish I were a real boy,\u201d under my breath. Dealer: Utterly fascinating; you really are full of wisdom. Now let’s shift our focus back to the University. Could you describe the early days of UChicago? Gargoyle: Well, after chasing the Baptists of the Old University out with a fire and one saucy waltz, the founders of the new University of Chicago took it upon themselves to declare the University the only officially Zoroastrian university in the country, until we found out Harvard had beaten us to it, so we became Rastafarians instead. This went on for a few years until we found a new God: Benny \u201cJay\u201d Franklin\u2019s sweet, sweet 100 dollar bills–Richie Rich\u2019s Almanac if you will. And we haven\u2019t looked back since. It was after this that President Harper, our first President (and our last) said, \u201cFuck it, I want a library.\u201d And lo\u2019 Harper Memorial Library was built, named after this famous memo. Granted, he also said, \u201cWe should name that building BJ,\u201d and people took him seriously, so maybe he wasn\u2019t 100% full of good ideas.\u00a0 Dealer: [Sycophant noises]. Now, how would you say the University has changed? Gargoyle: Well, my dick got smaller. What I mean by that is, that when you\u2019re gargoyle like myself, shrinkage isn\u2019t the real enemy, acid rain is. In less important news, though, I think it all went wrong when they filmed Divergent here. Ever since then we\u2019ve been trying to capture lightning in a bottle and be like all the cool schools. Hasn\u2019t really worked out for us. Dealer: Now we\u2019re going to shift into rapid-fire questions. What\u2019s your opinion on Grotesques? Gargoyle: Fuck \u2019em. Dealer: Best 4\/20 on campus? Gargoyle: The 4\/20 of 1902 was a sight to behold, even though at the time we didn\u2019t know why we smoked on that day. We just felt like we had to. A lot of people think our coat of arms is a phoenix being reborn in the flames; it’s actually me being reborn in a cloud of the \u2018devil\u2019s lettuce,\u2019 as we called it in those days Dealer: Future profesional plans now that you\u2019re set to retire as campus gargoyle? Gargoyle: I\u2019ll be taking a joint position in the Econ department and Booth.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1474","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1474","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1474"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1474\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2507,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1474\/revisions\/2507"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1474"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1474"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1474"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}