![\"](\"https:\/\/shadybucket.s3.amazonaws.com\/images\/uchicagooweek.width-1280.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding Orientation Week. It has been replaced by Disorientation Week, an opening week for first-year students aimed specifically at causing them as much panic and confusion as possible within a seven-day span. <\/p>\n
\u201cLike I said before,\u201d commented Ellison in a statement, \u201cthis university is not about safe spaces. In fact, at this institution, we feel it\u2019s best to promote the very opposite. Being coddled simply is not conducive to academic excellence. Furthermore, a culture of rigorous inquiry is maintained by three things: hard work, commitment, and the gnawing fear that comes from not knowing what the hell is going on at any point in time.\u201d <\/p>\n
The University has taken great steps this year to ensure that the Class of 2022 enters as the most disoriented class yet. The opening itinerary for new students includes being forcibly spun around 1,000 times, meet-and-greets with University of Illinois professors, and helpful informational sessions about campus life given entirely in Esperanto. <\/p>\n
\u201cPlease, someone just give me a hint at what is going on here,\u201d said first-year Daniel Juarez. \u201cI still don\u2019t know what house I\u2019m supposed to be in, my I.D. is a completely blank piece of plastic, and when they gave me my schedule it was just a slice of baguette that had, \u2018Figure it out for yourself, loser,\u2019 written on it in Comic Sans. It feels like we\u2019re in some kind of messed-up 1980s social experiment or something.\u201d <\/p>\n
As an added measure, all faculty have reportedly been instructed to let loose a blood-curdling scream and slap the face of any student that asks them a remotely coherent question. What\u2019s more, free merchandise given out at events will instead feature the logos of various community colleges across the United States instead of UChicago and all clocks will run at different, random times. For many new students, this may not be what they were expecting. For the rarer students that expect the unexpected, Disorientation Week may not be the \u201cunexpected\u201d they expected.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought Disorientation Week would be some cool underground thing where the returning students tell you what UChicago is really like,\u201d said first-year Meghan Steinberg, who was struggling with a University-provided map comprised of abstract geometric shapes and its corresponding five ciphers. \u201cTurns out it\u2019s just them taking sadistic joy in making us feel like rats in a maze. This is what I get for not going to a state school.\u201d <\/p>\n
At press time, Ellison was preparing his commencement speech, which he plans to replace with one thousand bagpipes playing a single note at full volume for a \u201ccharacter-building\u201d hour and forty-five minutes.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018 \u00a0 In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding Orientation Week. It has been replaced by Disorientation Week, an opening week for first-year students aimed specifically at causing them as much panic and confusion as possible within a seven-day span. \u201cLike I said before,\u201d commented Ellison in a statement, \u201cthis university is not about safe spaces. In fact, at this institution, we feel it\u2019s best to promote the very opposite. Being coddled simply is not conducive to academic excellence. Furthermore, a culture of rigorous inquiry is maintained by three things: hard work, commitment, and the gnawing fear that comes from not knowing what the hell is going on at any point in time.\u201d The University has taken great steps this year to ensure that the Class of 2022 enters as the most disoriented class yet. The opening itinerary for new students includes being forcibly spun around 1,000 times, meet-and-greets with University of Illinois professors, and helpful informational sessions about campus life given entirely in Esperanto. \u201cPlease, someone just give me a hint at what is going on here,\u201d said first-year Daniel Juarez. \u201cI still don\u2019t know what house I\u2019m supposed to be in, my I.D. is a completely blank piece of plastic, and when they gave me my schedule it was just a slice of baguette that had, \u2018Figure it out for yourself, loser,\u2019 written on it in Comic Sans. It feels like we\u2019re in some kind of messed-up 1980s social experiment or something.\u201d As an added measure, all faculty have reportedly been instructed to let loose a blood-curdling scream and slap the face of any student that asks them a remotely coherent question. What\u2019s more, free merchandise given out at events will instead feature the logos of various community colleges across the United States instead of UChicago and all clocks will run at different, random times. For many new students, this may not be what they were expecting. For the rarer students that expect the unexpected, Disorientation Week may not be the \u201cunexpected\u201d they expected. \u201cI thought Disorientation Week would be some cool underground thing where the returning students tell you what UChicago is really like,\u201d said first-year Meghan Steinberg, who was struggling with a University-provided map comprised of abstract geometric shapes and its corresponding five ciphers. \u201cTurns out it\u2019s just them taking sadistic joy in making us feel like rats in a maze. This is what I get for not going to a state school.\u201d At press time, Ellison was preparing his commencement speech, which he plans to replace with one thousand bagpipes playing a single note at full volume for a \u201ccharacter-building\u201d hour and forty-five minutes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1446","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1446","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1446"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1446\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2479,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1446\/revisions\/2479"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1446"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1446"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1446"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}