<\/p>\n
It\u2019s third week and, if you\u2019re like me, you\u2019re probably just now realizing how your limited success in high school makes you nothing but a pathetic, tiny fish in a churning ocean of precocious talent and prestige. Is the latent revelation of your devastating mediocrity tearing your self-esteem to shreds? Are the pressures of the freshman plague and midterms too much for you? Surprise! You might have depression! Or maybe you\u2019re just a worthless trash heap and every moment of your existence has been a cruel mistake.<\/p>\n
Here are some signs for figuring out the first one!<\/p>\n
1. You can\u2019t sleep<\/p>\n
Have you been waking up at 5 p.m. and then also going to bed at 5 p.m.? Do you have issues staying asleep or falling asleep? Insomnia is a common sign of depression and other mood disorders, and it could signal a deeper mental issue. Or maybe you\u2019re just doing so little that you don\u2019t deserve to feel sleepy anymore! Remember when you dropped out of Moot Court because it was \u201ctoo much of a commitment\u201d? Your roommate already has six internships lined up for winter break. Get a job.<\/p>\n
2. You often feel irritable<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ve been feeling annoyed with your parents more often than usual, or if you\u2019ve noticed that you simply feel angry on a more frequent basis than before, you might be displaying one of the classic symptoms of major depressive disorder. People who suffer from depression remain in chronically low moods that only rise up in the form of irritability or anger. Alternatively, you\u2019re a piece of shit who takes your loved ones for granted and doesn\u2019t deserve affection. Seriously–what kind of monster snaps at their friends? What the fuck are you doing? You don\u2019t deserve their love.<\/p>\n
3. You can\u2019t study efficiently<\/p>\n
One classic symptom of mental illness is a lack of productivity. Depression patients have been shown to have attention spans short enough to rival those of ADHD sufferers–that might be the cause for that low-energy phase you\u2019re going through. Or maybe God just made you wrong! Neurological factors out of your control were definitely the reason why you had to drop that fourth class and switch out of Honors Chem. It definitely wasn\u2019t because you\u2019re a useless idiot who can\u2019t deal with any modicum of pressure. At least now when your parents ask you what you\u2019ve been doing with your $50k tuition, you have a bulletproof answer, you lazy fuckup.<\/p>\n
4. Your eating habits are all over the place<\/p>\n
Have you been missing meals? Is pushing food into your gaping mouth hole too advanced a science for you? Maybe you should drop down to the Regular Non-Honors Meal Plan instead! I hear they have supplementary sessions for people who can\u2019t even figure out a regular eating schedule. It meets five times a week, because you need five times the help to manage your sad existence. Life is hard when you\u2019re fucking incompetent.<\/p>\n
5. You wake up every morning and think to yourself, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Just go dig a hole and lie in it forever. That\u2019d probably be a better use of your time than writing some article for a satire newspaper to craft some illusion of self-awareness and peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
by Cornelius Amadeus Ginger III Oct. 26, 2018 It\u2019s third week and, if you\u2019re like me, you\u2019re probably just now realizing how your limited success in high school makes you nothing but a pathetic, tiny fish in a churning ocean of precocious talent and prestige. Is the latent revelation of your devastating mediocrity tearing your self-esteem to shreds? Are the pressures of the freshman plague and midterms too much for you? Surprise! You might have depression! Or maybe you\u2019re just a worthless trash heap and every moment of your existence has been a cruel mistake. Here are some signs for figuring out the first one! 1. You can\u2019t sleep Have you been waking up at 5 p.m. and then also going to bed at 5 p.m.? Do you have issues staying asleep or falling asleep? Insomnia is a common sign of depression and other mood disorders, and it could signal a deeper mental issue. Or maybe you\u2019re just doing so little that you don\u2019t deserve to feel sleepy anymore! Remember when you dropped out of Moot Court because it was \u201ctoo much of a commitment\u201d? Your roommate already has six internships lined up for winter break. Get a job. 2. You often feel irritable If you\u2019ve been feeling annoyed with your parents more often than usual, or if you\u2019ve noticed that you simply feel angry on a more frequent basis than before, you might be displaying one of the classic symptoms of major depressive disorder. People who suffer from depression remain in chronically low moods that only rise up in the form of irritability or anger. Alternatively, you\u2019re a piece of shit who takes your loved ones for granted and doesn\u2019t deserve affection. Seriously–what kind of monster snaps at their friends? What the fuck are you doing? You don\u2019t deserve their love. 3. You can\u2019t study efficiently One classic symptom of mental illness is a lack of productivity. Depression patients have been shown to have attention spans short enough to rival those of ADHD sufferers–that might be the cause for that low-energy phase you\u2019re going through. Or maybe God just made you wrong! Neurological factors out of your control were definitely the reason why you had to drop that fourth class and switch out of Honors Chem. It definitely wasn\u2019t because you\u2019re a useless idiot who can\u2019t deal with any modicum of pressure. At least now when your parents ask you what you\u2019ve been doing with your $50k tuition, you have a bulletproof answer, you lazy fuckup. 4. Your eating habits are all over the place Have you been missing meals? Is pushing food into your gaping mouth hole too advanced a science for you? Maybe you should drop down to the Regular Non-Honors Meal Plan instead! I hear they have supplementary sessions for people who can\u2019t even figure out a regular eating schedule. It meets five times a week, because you need five times the help to manage your sad existence. Life is hard when you\u2019re fucking incompetent. 5. You wake up every morning and think to yourself, \u201cNo.\u201d Just go dig a hole and lie in it forever. That\u2019d probably be a better use of your time than writing some article for a satire newspaper to craft some illusion of self-awareness and peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1422","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1422","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1422"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1422\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3711,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1422\/revisions\/3711"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1422"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1422"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1422"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}