<\/p>\n
On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cI was sick of all my standard blights upon humanity: plague, famine, kids named Chad and the like. I needed some new horror to unleash upon the world, so I decided to merge the twin evils of fraternities and business into a chimeric monstrosity, the likes of which have never been seen. It was brilliant. We spent months perfecting it,\u201d commented Satan, flabbergasted that mankind had somehow created such an abomination independent of any demonic influence.<\/p>\n
At UChicago, some AKPSI brothers immediately began to distance themselves from the fraternity after hearing the news. \u201cYeah, I just joined that frat because it seemed like something to do. I wasn\u2019t like a real part of it or anything,\u201d said Lou McCallister before repeatedly muttering, \u201cGod save me,\u201d and switching his major from Economics to Religious Studies.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Others were elated. \u201cIt\u2019s great to see someone as important as Satan endorse us. Maybe we\u2019ll add a few legions of hell to our chapter and expand the alumni network to the underworld,\u201d Gino D\u2019Angelo told the Dealer.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Astaroth, Great Duke of Hell, was disgusted by this offer. \u201cI\u2019d never join something so vile. Sure, I\u2019m a demonic beast spawned in the darkest pits of hell and my sole purpose is to sow sorrow and misery, but I still have standards.\u201d<\/p>\n
Owen Parsons had already assumed that Satan was involved in the creation of business frats and was shocked to find out otherwise. \u201cWait. I thought this was secretly a Satanic cult. You\u2019re saying human beings just came up with this shit? Is this why no one came to my midnight rituals? What the hell?\u201d<\/p>\n
At press time, Satan was busy working on his newest project, \u201cthe most hideous building known to man.\u201d Members of the infernal pantheon did not have the heart to remind him of the existence of Max Palevsky Residential Commons.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing.\u00a0 \u201cI was sick of all my standard blights upon humanity: plague, famine, kids named Chad and the like. I needed some new horror to unleash upon the world, so I decided to merge the twin evils of fraternities and business into a chimeric monstrosity, the likes of which have never been seen. It was brilliant. We spent months perfecting it,\u201d commented Satan, flabbergasted that mankind had somehow created such an abomination independent of any demonic influence. At UChicago, some AKPSI brothers immediately began to distance themselves from the fraternity after hearing the news. \u201cYeah, I just joined that frat because it seemed like something to do. I wasn\u2019t like a real part of it or anything,\u201d said Lou McCallister before repeatedly muttering, \u201cGod save me,\u201d and switching his major from Economics to Religious Studies.\u00a0 Others were elated. \u201cIt\u2019s great to see someone as important as Satan endorse us. Maybe we\u2019ll add a few legions of hell to our chapter and expand the alumni network to the underworld,\u201d Gino D\u2019Angelo told the Dealer.\u00a0 Astaroth, Great Duke of Hell, was disgusted by this offer. \u201cI\u2019d never join something so vile. Sure, I\u2019m a demonic beast spawned in the darkest pits of hell and my sole purpose is to sow sorrow and misery, but I still have standards.\u201d Owen Parsons had already assumed that Satan was involved in the creation of business frats and was shocked to find out otherwise. \u201cWait. I thought this was secretly a Satanic cult. You\u2019re saying human beings just came up with this shit? Is this why no one came to my midnight rituals? What the hell?\u201d At press time, Satan was busy working on his newest project, \u201cthe most hideous building known to man.\u201d Members of the infernal pantheon did not have the heart to remind him of the existence of Max Palevsky Residential Commons.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1418","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1418","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1418"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1418\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2451,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1418\/revisions\/2451"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1418"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1418"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1418"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}