<\/p>\n
In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change\u2019s shocking announcement earlier this month. As it turns out, what we always knew would happen has actually happened. <\/p>\n
\tStuck in the middle of the two is the Moon, for whom Mother Nature seeks complete custody, claiming that Mankind hasn\u2019t visited their son in \u201cnearly 50 years.\u201d A nasty custody battle seems imminent, and, according to the latest reports, the Moon has been cratered with guilt over the pair\u2019s separation.<\/p>\n
The last 100 years have been rough on the Mother Nature-Mankind power couple. Despite her insistence that \u201che could change,\u201d Mother Nature and Mankind have been drifting further and further apart. As recently as last year, Mother Nature slammed Mankind: \u201cHe\u2019s always out chasing his next high. Last month I caught him hot-boxing the atmosphere with carbon dioxide. It\u2019s really putting a strain on our relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n
The two had previously sought to save their relationship with a weekend getaway to Paris, but Mankind cancelled at the last minute, citing the need to \u201cmake coal great again,\u201d leaving Mother Nature to slowly decompose on the polluted banks of the Seine.<\/p>\n
The Shady Dealer managed to catch Mother Nature as she was was leaving her beautician on Monday. Wearing sweatpants, a torn \u201cI <3 Paris\u201d hoodie, and sporting a \u201cCan I speak to your manager?\u201d haircut, she initially refused to comment, but yelled, \u201cThat cheating, lying, smoking sonuvabitch is going to get his in 20 years, I can promise you that!\u201d to reporters as she was ushered into her Nissan Leaf. <\/p>\n
Mankind seems unconcerned. When the Shady Dealer reached out for comment, Mankind was found vaping on his porch, cat-calling other planets. When asked about the possibility of divorce, he replied, \u201cIt\u2019s just that time of the eon, bro. She\u2019ll cool down soon.\u201d <\/p>\n
Despite Mankind\u2019s confidence, sources close to Mother Nature say she is \u201creally fired up\u201d and it’s likely that the divorce proceedings will heat up soon. An associate of Mother Nature told the Shady Dealer that she is \u201cnot playing around,” and she\u2019ll be prepared to \u201craise the bar a few degrees\u201d in the coming years.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By John Logan Buterbaugh Nov. 2, 2018 In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change\u2019s shocking announcement earlier this month. As it turns out, what we always knew would happen has actually happened. Stuck in the middle of the two is the Moon, for whom Mother Nature seeks complete custody, claiming that Mankind hasn\u2019t visited their son in \u201cnearly 50 years.\u201d A nasty custody battle seems imminent, and, according to the latest reports, the Moon has been cratered with guilt over the pair\u2019s separation. The last 100 years have been rough on the Mother Nature-Mankind power couple. Despite her insistence that \u201che could change,\u201d Mother Nature and Mankind have been drifting further and further apart. As recently as last year, Mother Nature slammed Mankind: \u201cHe\u2019s always out chasing his next high. Last month I caught him hot-boxing the atmosphere with carbon dioxide. It\u2019s really putting a strain on our relationship.\u201d The two had previously sought to save their relationship with a weekend getaway to Paris, but Mankind cancelled at the last minute, citing the need to \u201cmake coal great again,\u201d leaving Mother Nature to slowly decompose on the polluted banks of the Seine. The Shady Dealer managed to catch Mother Nature as she was was leaving her beautician on Monday. Wearing sweatpants, a torn \u201cI<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1408","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1408","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1408"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1408\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2441,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1408\/revisions\/2441"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1408"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1408"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1408"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}