<\/p>\n
Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive\u00a0merchandise collection.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The school supply section currently features such necessities as\u00a0sequined throw pillows, handmade wallets, and\u00a0one of the five books you need for SOSC. Now, the campus staple plans to add another campus\u00a0staple to its offerings: easy-access handles of the strongest alcohol Maroon Dollars can buy.<\/p>\n
Those wishing to tackle the Language and the Human lecture with the same reckless and\u00a0medically ill-advised verve with which they attacked first week bar night can now do so\u00a0between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Stop in for a delicious iced coffee at the nearby\u00a0Starbucks, show your school spirit by purchasing logo-ed attire, then find your school\u00a0spirits upstairs next to the Emergency Medicine textbooks.<\/p>\n
Store manager Kyle Johnson noted that requests for handles doubled between fall and winter\u00a0quarters last year. The delay was only caused by in-store confusion.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cWe thought the\u00a0students were pushing for themed door handles,” said Johnson in an email. “We already have a line of power tools,\u00a0religious paraphernalia, and home medical supplies, all with the phoenix crest slapped on them,\u00a0so we figured this was just the next logical step.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
Now that the confusion is over, students\u00a0can get to class with\u00a0the Marx-Engels Reader in one hand and enough Malibu to actually get through talking about it\u00a0in the other.<\/p>\n
Administration supports this intoxicating venture, having already added a beginner\u2019s\u00a0mixology course to the O-Week programming for next year.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Dean of Students John\u00a0\u201cJager Bomb\u201d Ellison is particularly excited about the change, claiming, \u201cFinally, I won\u2019t be the\u00a0most problematic thing about this place!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
Suggestions have also been made to replace the\u00a0iconic Doing Honest Work In College<\/i> with a more relevant Drink, Drank, Drunk: The College\u00a0Alcohol Guide.<\/i> At press time, there was still no word on whether, like Honest Work<\/i>,\u00a0anyone would actually read it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Oliva Reeves Nov. 2, 2018 Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive\u00a0merchandise collection.\u00a0 The school supply section currently features such necessities as\u00a0sequined throw pillows, handmade wallets, and\u00a0one of the five books you need for SOSC. Now, the campus staple plans to add another campus\u00a0staple to its offerings: easy-access handles of the strongest alcohol Maroon Dollars can buy. Those wishing to tackle the Language and the Human lecture with the same reckless and\u00a0medically ill-advised verve with which they attacked first week bar night can now do so\u00a0between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.\u00a0 Stop in for a delicious iced coffee at the nearby\u00a0Starbucks, show your school spirit by purchasing logo-ed attire, then find your school\u00a0spirits upstairs next to the Emergency Medicine textbooks. Store manager Kyle Johnson noted that requests for handles doubled between fall and winter\u00a0quarters last year. The delay was only caused by in-store confusion.\u00a0 \u201cWe thought the\u00a0students were pushing for themed door handles,” said Johnson in an email. “We already have a line of power tools,\u00a0religious paraphernalia, and home medical supplies, all with the phoenix crest slapped on them,\u00a0so we figured this was just the next logical step.\u201d\u00a0 Now that the confusion is over, students\u00a0can get to class with\u00a0the Marx-Engels Reader in one hand and enough Malibu to actually get through talking about it\u00a0in the other. Administration supports this intoxicating venture, having already added a beginner\u2019s\u00a0mixology course to the O-Week programming for next year.\u00a0 Dean of Students John\u00a0\u201cJager Bomb\u201d Ellison is particularly excited about the change, claiming, \u201cFinally, I won\u2019t be the\u00a0most problematic thing about this place!\u201d\u00a0 Suggestions have also been made to replace the\u00a0iconic Doing Honest Work In College with a more relevant Drink, Drank, Drunk: The College\u00a0Alcohol Guide. At press time, there was still no word on whether, like Honest Work,\u00a0anyone would actually read it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1407"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1407"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1407\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2440,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1407\/revisions\/2440"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1407"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1407"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1407"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}