<\/p>\n
Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world of crime management. For Hyde Park-ers without a CNetID, here\u2019s a recent email from Erin N. to the neighborhood at large.<\/p>\n
To: Members of the University community<\/p>\n
From: Erin N. Heath, Associate Vice President of Committing Every Crime<\/p>\n
Date: November 1, 2018<\/p>\n
What\u2019s it like to be Momma\u2019s favorite, Eric M.? What\u2019s it like to cast a shadow over your younger twin brother, a little black sheep who can\u2019t catch a break? I\u2019m sad, Eric M., and it\u2019s time to make a change.<\/p>\n
At approximately 7:20 a.m., Wednesday, October 25, 2018 \u2013 I awoke from an exquisite dream. I dreamt that you were a tiny bug, Eric M., and I squashed you. But once you were all squashed and dead, I was still not fulfilled. And so, the time has come for me to realize my full potential.<\/p>\n
As of this week, I am promoting myself from Vice President of Committing Every Crime to President. I plan on stealing twice the number of bike tires in half the time. Or at least as many thefts as my sick, spiteful body can manage. That\u2019s double the incident reports for your strong, athletic thumbs to type. Hope you can keep pace. You always were a beautiful dancer.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should try to be more like your brother,\u201d they said. \u201cYou should solve the crimes. It pays more,\u201d they said. Well, who\u2019s laughing now? Not me. I\u2019m a hardened criminal with a taste for danger and no annual salary. I\u2019m the Mary Kate to your Ashley, the fox to your hound, and the other person on your University healthcare plan. Equal and opposite forces attract, Eric M., but I\u2019m always one step ahead. What? They didn\u2019t teach you to Viennese Waltz in the Police Academy?<\/p>\n
Maybe someday when I\u2019m old and tired of this 9:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. grind, I\u2019ll build a cabin out of the Androids I accidentally stole when I only wanted iPhones. Only then will I be able to play Clash of Clans from fifty different user accounts in peace.<\/p>\n
Watch me fly Momma, watch me fly.<\/p>\n
Sincerely,<\/p>\n
Erin N. Heath<\/p>\n
Vice President of Committing Every Crime<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 2, 2018 Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world of crime management. For Hyde Park-ers without a CNetID, here\u2019s a recent email from Erin N. to the neighborhood at large. To: Members of the University community From: Erin N. Heath, Associate Vice President of Committing Every Crime Date: November 1, 2018 What\u2019s it like to be Momma\u2019s favorite, Eric M.? What\u2019s it like to cast a shadow over your younger twin brother, a little black sheep who can\u2019t catch a break? I\u2019m sad, Eric M., and it\u2019s time to make a change. At approximately 7:20 a.m., Wednesday, October 25, 2018 \u2013 I awoke from an exquisite dream. I dreamt that you were a tiny bug, Eric M., and I squashed you. But once you were all squashed and dead, I was still not fulfilled. And so, the time has come for me to realize my full potential. As of this week, I am promoting myself from Vice President of Committing Every Crime to President. I plan on stealing twice the number of bike tires in half the time. Or at least as many thefts as my sick, spiteful body can manage. That\u2019s double the incident reports for your strong, athletic thumbs to type. Hope you can keep pace. You always were a beautiful dancer. \u201cYou should try to be more like your brother,\u201d they said. \u201cYou should solve the crimes. It pays more,\u201d they said. Well, who\u2019s laughing now? Not me. I\u2019m a hardened criminal with a taste for danger and no annual salary. I\u2019m the Mary Kate to your Ashley, the fox to your hound, and the other person on your University healthcare plan. Equal and opposite forces attract, Eric M., but I\u2019m always one step ahead. What? They didn\u2019t teach you to Viennese Waltz in the Police Academy? Maybe someday when I\u2019m old and tired of this 9:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. grind, I\u2019ll build a cabin out of the Androids I accidentally stole when I only wanted iPhones. Only then will I be able to play Clash of Clans from fifty different user accounts in peace. Watch me fly Momma, watch me fly. Sincerely, Erin N. Heath Vice President of Committing Every Crime<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1404","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1404","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1404"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1404\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2437,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1404\/revisions\/2437"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1404"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1404"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1404"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}