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Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as \u201cthe world\u2019s least magical elf\u201d, resigned earlier today in a move that marks the latest in a series of departures from the President’s cabinet.\u00a0 In an official statement, the administration asserted that President Trump was already reviewing a list of potential replacements from his “Emergency Backup Old White Guys Collection”.<\/p>\n
\u201cJeff has been an invaluable help these past two years.\u00a0 From his contributions towards minority incarceration to his continued efforts in putting brown people behind bars, he has demonstrated his diligence in furthering this administration\u2019s mission.\u00a0 We are grateful to Jeff for his service, and we are even more grateful that his service has shown itself to be so easily replaceable.<\/p>\n
The President has already drafted a list of potential nominees.\u00a0 At this point we cannot yet release the names of the candidates — mostly because they\u2019re too generic and we don\u2019t remember them — but as soon as we figure out which five are John and which two are Michael, we\u2019ll announce the list.\u201d<\/p>\n
Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders further elaborated on the nature of the selection process in today\u2019s press briefing. \u00a0\u201cWe\u2019ve kind of run out of suitable officials in Washington to recruit, and it\u2019s tedious to look for new candidates every time someone leaves the White House, which is every other week.\u00a0 We keep an entire storage cabinet of balding white men in the basement specifically for replacement purposes. The second Jeff went out of session, President Trump sent out a summons for the backup cabinet, and he\u2019s been evaluating them since this afternoon.\u00a0 The speed with which President Trump has handled the resignation is testament to his efficiency as a leader.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sanders admitted that the members of backup cabinet did not have clear political qualifications. \u00a0\u201cWe sort of just go out into D.C. and pull in random people from the sidewalks whenever we need to restock.\u00a0 There aren\u2019t any specific criteria — we just look for misguided white men with liver spots and receding hairlines who look over 60.\u00a0 Sure, they might not have any legislative qualifications, but neither did Jeff, so what does it matter?\u201d<\/p>\n
Sources indicate that John Kelly, himself a former member of the backup cabinet, may advise President Trump to abandon the list of balding white men from storage and nominate acting Attorney General and bald white man Matthew Whitaker to the position permanently instead.\u00a0 When reached for comment, Sessions replied with a subject-less email containing only a gif of the character Dobby from Harry Potter saying \u201cDobby is a free elf!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Nov. 7, 2018 \u00a0 Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as \u201cthe world\u2019s least magical elf\u201d, resigned earlier today in a move that marks the latest in a series of departures from the President’s cabinet.\u00a0 In an official statement, the administration asserted that President Trump was already reviewing a list of potential replacements from his “Emergency Backup Old White Guys Collection”. \u201cJeff has been an invaluable help these past two years.\u00a0 From his contributions towards minority incarceration to his continued efforts in putting brown people behind bars, he has demonstrated his diligence in furthering this administration\u2019s mission.\u00a0 We are grateful to Jeff for his service, and we are even more grateful that his service has shown itself to be so easily replaceable. The President has already drafted a list of potential nominees.\u00a0 At this point we cannot yet release the names of the candidates — mostly because they\u2019re too generic and we don\u2019t remember them — but as soon as we figure out which five are John and which two are Michael, we\u2019ll announce the list.\u201d Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders further elaborated on the nature of the selection process in today\u2019s press briefing. \u00a0\u201cWe\u2019ve kind of run out of suitable officials in Washington to recruit, and it\u2019s tedious to look for new candidates every time someone leaves the White House, which is every other week.\u00a0 We keep an entire storage cabinet of balding white men in the basement specifically for replacement purposes. The second Jeff went out of session, President Trump sent out a summons for the backup cabinet, and he\u2019s been evaluating them since this afternoon.\u00a0 The speed with which President Trump has handled the resignation is testament to his efficiency as a leader.\u201d Sanders admitted that the members of backup cabinet did not have clear political qualifications. \u00a0\u201cWe sort of just go out into D.C. and pull in random people from the sidewalks whenever we need to restock.\u00a0 There aren\u2019t any specific criteria — we just look for misguided white men with liver spots and receding hairlines who look over 60.\u00a0 Sure, they might not have any legislative qualifications, but neither did Jeff, so what does it matter?\u201d Sources indicate that John Kelly, himself a former member of the backup cabinet, may advise President Trump to abandon the list of balding white men from storage and nominate acting Attorney General and bald white man Matthew Whitaker to the position permanently instead.\u00a0 When reached for comment, Sessions replied with a subject-less email containing only a gif of the character Dobby from Harry Potter saying \u201cDobby is a free elf!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1402","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1402","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1402"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1402\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2435,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1402\/revisions\/2435"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1402"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1402"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1402"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}