<\/p>\n
In an unusual twist on an American classic, the family of third year Jane Wallis has announced that they will be cooking and eating her instead of their traditional turkey dinner this Thanksgiving. Wallis, who told the Dealer that she is a vegan no less than fourteen times in a two minute interview, also vocalized her support for the decision. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cI\u2019ve been advocating against turkey terror in my household and in households across America ever since I can remember. Meat is murder and if cooking me means that my family will save one cute, snuggly, soft-as-tofu turkey from a brutal carnal death, then it means I\u2019ve made a step against the Blood-Guts-Mutilation-Zuckerberg-Environmental-Death-War-Tears Machine, and it will be worth it.\u201d Following this statement, Wallis broke into sobs and crushed an entire head of lettuce between her teeth. When reminded that turkeys are actually fucking aggressive little beasts, Wallis proceeded to chant various vegan slogans she claimed to have found on the internet including \u201cDon\u2019t eat anything that once had a face!\u201d and \u201cMy plate is humane!\u201d<\/p>\n
\tNow that the Wallis family\u2019s plates will indeed become humane by newly becoming human this Thursday, Wallis\u2019 younger brother, Charlie, summarized his thoughts as, \u201cIf we eat her, then she\u2019ll stop talking about chicken periods and pus at the dinner table,\u201d before turning to watch his older sister punt a small child eating a hamburger into a nearby tree. <\/p>\n
\tWallis\u2019 mother, Aria, who will be tasked with the preparation of her daughter, the falsified fowl, noted, \u201cI\u2019m so glad she\u2019s taking a stand for something she believes in\u2026but I do think Thanksgiving will be nicer when all we have to worry about is what racist thing my brother-in-law is going to say instead of whether Jane will protest again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tIndeed, last year at dinner, protest was on the menu, as Wallis chained herself to the oven wearing only the skins of the twenty-five pound turkey that her mother and grandmother had lovingly prepared in a testament to the bonds of family at the holidays. \u201cI screamed for two hours straight that they were blood-thirsty hell-demons plunging their family into the fiery waters of carcinogenic muck-mucus,\u201d Wallis explained. \u201cIt got the message across but my mom said I made my grandma uncomfortable.\u201d <\/p>\n
\tAt press time, PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, commented only, \u201cHoly hell, this is not what we meant,\u201d and Vegan Action, an organization devoted to certifying products as vegan, was too busy setting a Baskin-Robbins on fire to be reached for comment.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Olivia Reeves Nov. 22, 2018 In an unusual twist on an American classic, the family of third year Jane Wallis has announced that they will be cooking and eating her instead of their traditional turkey dinner this Thanksgiving. Wallis, who told the Dealer that she is a vegan no less than fourteen times in a two minute interview, also vocalized her support for the decision. \u201cI\u2019ve been advocating against turkey terror in my household and in households across America ever since I can remember. Meat is murder and if cooking me means that my family will save one cute, snuggly, soft-as-tofu turkey from a brutal carnal death, then it means I\u2019ve made a step against the Blood-Guts-Mutilation-Zuckerberg-Environmental-Death-War-Tears Machine, and it will be worth it.\u201d Following this statement, Wallis broke into sobs and crushed an entire head of lettuce between her teeth. When reminded that turkeys are actually fucking aggressive little beasts, Wallis proceeded to chant various vegan slogans she claimed to have found on the internet including \u201cDon\u2019t eat anything that once had a face!\u201d and \u201cMy plate is humane!\u201d Now that the Wallis family\u2019s plates will indeed become humane by newly becoming human this Thursday, Wallis\u2019 younger brother, Charlie, summarized his thoughts as, \u201cIf we eat her, then she\u2019ll stop talking about chicken periods and pus at the dinner table,\u201d before turning to watch his older sister punt a small child eating a hamburger into a nearby tree. Wallis\u2019 mother, Aria, who will be tasked with the preparation of her daughter, the falsified fowl, noted, \u201cI\u2019m so glad she\u2019s taking a stand for something she believes in\u2026but I do think Thanksgiving will be nicer when all we have to worry about is what racist thing my brother-in-law is going to say instead of whether Jane will protest again.\u201d Indeed, last year at dinner, protest was on the menu, as Wallis chained herself to the oven wearing only the skins of the twenty-five pound turkey that her mother and grandmother had lovingly prepared in a testament to the bonds of family at the holidays. \u201cI screamed for two hours straight that they were blood-thirsty hell-demons plunging their family into the fiery waters of carcinogenic muck-mucus,\u201d Wallis explained. \u201cIt got the message across but my mom said I made my grandma uncomfortable.\u201d At press time, PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, commented only, \u201cHoly hell, this is not what we meant,\u201d and Vegan Action, an organization devoted to certifying products as vegan, was too busy setting a Baskin-Robbins on fire to be reached for comment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1398","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1398","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1398"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1398\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2431,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1398\/revisions\/2431"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1398"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1398"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1398"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}