<\/p>\n
Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family, eat lots of food, and end their long-distance relationships.\u00a0 However, a new report from the University of Chicago\u2019s Center for Interdisciplinary Inquiry and Innovation in Sexual and Reproductive Health points towards a new Thanksgiving trend: high school sweethearts are sticking it through the mid-quarter holiday.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m shocked.\u00a0 Like, what the fuck is this?\u201d said first-year Srihari Kejriwal, who has remained single for his entire life.\u00a0 \u201cAll the second-years promised me that the hot women in my house would be single after Thanksgiving.\u00a0 I was even told that they\u2019d be looking for break-up hook-ups during ninth week!\u00a0 I feel violated!\u201d<\/p>\n
The Center\u2019s report found that while 96% of UChicago first-years ended their high-school relationships over Thanksgiving break in previous years, only 38% did so this year.\u00a0 When asked to explain the new phenomenon, Dr. Erik Montgomery, the report\u2019s author, explained: \u201cI can only presume that these teenage romantics have found new ways of pleasing each other over long-distances, or at least have found ways to guilt themselves into continuing their relationships into the new year.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
First-year Ana Yu, who had just returned from a trip home over break, corroborated this theory.\u00a0 \u201cI had everything planned out.\u00a0 I was going to meet my boyfriend Wednesday night when I got home, then break the bad news.\u00a0 But, when I started to talk to him, he just ripped his shirt off, and boy was he hot.\u00a0 I\u2019m talking full six-pack, nice tan, and very energetic.\u00a0 You don\u2019t really see that from any UChicago guys.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
On the flip side, first-year Alan Blumfield explained his tip for mitigating a Thanksgiving disaster: \u201cMy friends were warning me that my girlfriend might break-up with me over break, so I just made sure to make every moment count.\u00a0 I skipped class to fly home early and get the finest chocolates and roses.\u00a0 I even went out of my way to steal that Russian vodka from my parents\u2019 cellar.\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say, this holiday season, I sacrificed some head and ate out as much as possible.\u00a0 Must\u2019ve been a memorable experience ’cause she and I are still together.\u201d<\/p>\n
Not everyone on-campus is upset over these developments.\u00a0 James Nondorf, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid, told the Shady Dealer that the College received a substantial uptick in transfer applications following Thanksgiving break.\u00a0 \u201cHey, if kids wanna maintain their relationships by coming to the same college, who am I to judge?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
At press time, Srihari was seen leading a group of single first-years back to their dorms, remarking, \u201cDon\u2019t worry y\u2019all, we\u2019ll get \u2018em in winter quarter!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Marc Whyte Nov. 25, 2018 Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family, eat lots of food, and end their long-distance relationships.\u00a0 However, a new report from the University of Chicago\u2019s Center for Interdisciplinary Inquiry and Innovation in Sexual and Reproductive Health points towards a new Thanksgiving trend: high school sweethearts are sticking it through the mid-quarter holiday.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m shocked.\u00a0 Like, what the fuck is this?\u201d said first-year Srihari Kejriwal, who has remained single for his entire life.\u00a0 \u201cAll the second-years promised me that the hot women in my house would be single after Thanksgiving.\u00a0 I was even told that they\u2019d be looking for break-up hook-ups during ninth week!\u00a0 I feel violated!\u201d The Center\u2019s report found that while 96% of UChicago first-years ended their high-school relationships over Thanksgiving break in previous years, only 38% did so this year.\u00a0 When asked to explain the new phenomenon, Dr. Erik Montgomery, the report\u2019s author, explained: \u201cI can only presume that these teenage romantics have found new ways of pleasing each other over long-distances, or at least have found ways to guilt themselves into continuing their relationships into the new year.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 First-year Ana Yu, who had just returned from a trip home over break, corroborated this theory.\u00a0 \u201cI had everything planned out.\u00a0 I was going to meet my boyfriend Wednesday night when I got home, then break the bad news.\u00a0 But, when I started to talk to him, he just ripped his shirt off, and boy was he hot.\u00a0 I\u2019m talking full six-pack, nice tan, and very energetic.\u00a0 You don\u2019t really see that from any UChicago guys.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 On the flip side, first-year Alan Blumfield explained his tip for mitigating a Thanksgiving disaster: \u201cMy friends were warning me that my girlfriend might break-up with me over break, so I just made sure to make every moment count.\u00a0 I skipped class to fly home early and get the finest chocolates and roses.\u00a0 I even went out of my way to steal that Russian vodka from my parents\u2019 cellar.\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say, this holiday season, I sacrificed some head and ate out as much as possible.\u00a0 Must\u2019ve been a memorable experience ’cause she and I are still together.\u201d Not everyone on-campus is upset over these developments.\u00a0 James Nondorf, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid, told the Shady Dealer that the College received a substantial uptick in transfer applications following Thanksgiving break.\u00a0 \u201cHey, if kids wanna maintain their relationships by coming to the same college, who am I to judge?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 At press time, Srihari was seen leading a group of single first-years back to their dorms, remarking, \u201cDon\u2019t worry y\u2019all, we\u2019ll get \u2018em in winter quarter!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1396","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1396"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1396\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2429,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1396\/revisions\/2429"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1396"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1396"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1396"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}