<\/p>\n
Apple\u2019s portrait mode has made my mom into a monster. When my sisters and I are together, she whips out her phone and proceeds to take photos \u201cfor the holiday card.\u201d Every time, I so badly want to yell, \u201cWe\u2019re Jewish, so pick a side and just call it a Hanukkah card, and by the fucking way, your thumb is covering half of the lens!\u201d and then faint into my sisters\u2019 arms.<\/p>\n
In a few weeks, a photo of my sisters and me in front of blurred UChicago foliage will grace the mailboxes of sad suburban households and obscure relatives. I look objectively horrible in the photo, like I\u2019ve just woken up from a nap but also haven\u2019t slept in four days, and I don\u2019t think the U.S. postal service is prepared for the influx of \u201creturn to sender\u201d envelopes coming their way.<\/p>\n
Not only will my family\u2019s visually-offensive cardstock photo be added to the National Banned Holiday Card Database (NBHCD), but that\u2019s just the tip of the climate-change-melted iceberg. Winter is the Mondays of seasons: dreaded and long.<\/p>\n
Winter\u2019s only redeeming quality is that the holiday season allows society to embrace its materialistic side. The snowy months allow me to be my true self, a crazed consumer, without shame. However, Zuckerberg\u2019s algorithms have over-exposed me to mini documentaries about things like dumps in the middle of oceans, exploitation of labor, and shitty Black Friday sales. So this year, the only thing I\u2019ll be shopping for are tissues, ChapStick, and a new sense of personal self-worth.<\/p>\n
But now that I\u2019m staying away from digital shopping carts, I\u2019ll finally have the time to heal my drying hands that crack and bleed after lightly brushing air! During the snowy season, my nose becomes an actual avalanche. Furthermore, by December, my skin will become snake-like and I will actually start to slither around to stay in character (I am a sucker for getting in acting practice whenever I can). I\u2019ll probably need a new coat for that though, and I feel like there\u2019s one from Patagonia that is just hissing my name. ‘Tis the season of self care. <\/p>\n
<\/br><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Apple\u2019s portrait mode has made my mom into a monster. When my sisters and I are together, she whips out her phone and proceeds to take photos \u201cfor the holiday card.\u201d Every time, I so badly want to yell, \u201cWe\u2019re Jewish, so pick a side and just call it a Hanukkah card, and by the fucking way, your thumb is covering half of the lens!\u201d and then faint into my sisters\u2019 arms. In a few weeks, a photo of my sisters and me in front of blurred UChicago foliage will grace the mailboxes of sad suburban households and obscure relatives. I look objectively horrible in the photo, like I\u2019ve just woken up from a nap but also haven\u2019t slept in four days, and I don\u2019t think the U.S. postal service is prepared for the influx of \u201creturn to sender\u201d envelopes coming their way. Not only will my family\u2019s visually-offensive cardstock photo be added to the National Banned Holiday Card Database (NBHCD), but that\u2019s just the tip of the climate-change-melted iceberg. Winter is the Mondays of seasons: dreaded and long. Winter\u2019s only redeeming quality is that the holiday season allows society to embrace its materialistic side. The snowy months allow me to be my true self, a crazed consumer, without shame. However, Zuckerberg\u2019s algorithms have over-exposed me to mini documentaries about things like dumps in the middle of oceans, exploitation of labor, and shitty Black Friday sales. So this year, the only thing I\u2019ll be shopping for are tissues, ChapStick, and a new sense of personal self-worth. But now that I\u2019m staying away from digital shopping carts, I\u2019ll finally have the time to heal my drying hands that crack and bleed after lightly brushing air! During the snowy season, my nose becomes an actual avalanche. Furthermore, by December, my skin will become snake-like and I will actually start to slither around to stay in character (I am a sucker for getting in acting practice whenever I can). I\u2019ll probably need a new coat for that though, and I feel like there\u2019s one from Patagonia that is just hissing my name. ‘Tis the season of self care.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1384","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1384","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1384"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1384\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2417,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1384\/revisions\/2417"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1384"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1384"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1384"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}