Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh<\/a><\/h6>\nDec. 5, 2018<\/h6>\n
You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in\u00a0the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they can feel that you\u2019ve changed. You know\u00a0you have to tell them. Your legs are shaking. Your stomach is turning. This is the moment. After\u00a0hiding yourself for so long, you\u2019re finally going to tell them.\u00a0<\/p>\n
This winter break, you’re\u00a0finally going to turn to them and say, \u201cMom, dad, I’m a philosophy major.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
Letting your parents know you’re a philosophy major is always a difficult process.\u00a0<\/p>\n
They\u00a0may relentlessly question who you are: \u201cAre you sure this isn’t just a phase?\u201d \u201cWhat? You’ve\u00a0been in college for three months and you come back like this?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
Or they may try to pressure you into\u00a0returning to \u201cthe cave\u201d by asking what dear old Granny would think. Or even blame it on\u00a0someone else: \u201cI knew Chicago was a bad idea. Someone turned my child into a philosophy\u00a0major!\u201d<\/p>\n
Luckily, the Shady Dealer is here to help you get through this difficult time with this\u00a0short guide to coming out to your parents as a philosophy major. By following these six simple\u00a0tips, you can avoid any major-related dinner table awkwardness this holiday season.\u00a0<\/p>\n
1. Choose the right place and time.\u00a0<\/p>\n
It\u2019s always difficult to come out, but you can make it easier on yourself by choosing the right\u00a0place and time. Tell your parents when they\u2019re in a good mood and while they\u2019re not watching\u00a0the news. You definitely don\u2019t want them to be thinking about the latest job numbers when you\u00a0tell them.\u00a0<\/p>\n
2. Focus on how you feel.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Generally speaking, it\u2019s better for you to focus on \u201cI feel\u201d statements to avoid sounding\u00a0accusatory or overly emotional. Try \u201cI feel like this is what I\u2019m supposed to do\u201d or \u201cI feel like\u00a0this is the only subject I don\u2019t suck at.\u201d It\u2019s no use talking in broad statements or bringing the\u00a0outside world into the conversation, so focus on how you feel! Talking about your feelings is\u00a0basically all your major is preparing you to do, so you better get started now.\u00a0<\/p>\n
3. Let them know you’re still the same person.\u00a0<\/p>\n
One of the biggest concerns parents have when they find out their child is a philosophy major is\u00a0that you\u2019re not the same person they raised oh-so-long ago. Try to dispel this notion by\u00a0explaining how you\u2019ve always been a philosophy major. Bring up how you pondered on the state\u00a0of the half-full (or is it half-empty?) juice box in first grade. See? You were always cut out for\u00a0philosophy since the beginning!\u00a0<\/p>\n
4. Be ready for the fire and brimstone argument.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Sadly, this argument is a common one, and it\u2019s one that\u2019s difficult to counter, especially in the\u00a0heat of the moment. When your dad starts yelling about such nebulous and insignificant concepts\u00a0like \u201cstudent loans,\u201d \u201cpaying for our retirement,\u201d or \u201cbankrupting the family for a fucking useless\u00a0degree,\u201d you just need to take it. You know those bigots are below your intellect and their ideas\u00a0belong firmly in the past. Your first quarter living the \u201cLife of the Mind\u201d\u2122<\/b>\u00a0has taught you that\u00a0philosophy doesn\u2019t care about material possessions. After all, it\u2019s not like Socrates or Aristotle\u00a0were only able to philosophize because they were bougie as fuck. You\u2019ll be fine!\u00a0<\/p>\n
5. Tell them you’re double majoring in Economics, even if it’s a lie.\u00a0<\/p>\n
This one is a risky call, but it could help you get out of an especially sticky situation. Your dad\u00a0will chuckle, \u201cOh, so this philosophy thing is just like a hobby then, thank God,\u201d and your mom\u00a0will start telling her girlfriends all about how you\u2019re going to work for an investment bank one\u00a0day. Just be sure that you mention \u201ca clerical mix-up\u201d which caused all your Economics credit to\u00a0magically \u201cvanish\u201d right before graduation. That\u2019s too bad, but at least you still have your handy\u00a0philosophy major!\u00a0<\/p>\n
6. Prepare yourself for rejection.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In the end, no matter how much you prepare, there\u2019s no telling exactly what could happen when\u00a0you tell your parents that you\u2019re a philosophy major. So treat this like you treat every\u00a0Wednesday and Friday night of the year and prepare yourself for rejection.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Now you\u2019re ready to come out to your parents this holiday season! And\u00a0we at the Shady Dealer<\/i> would like to personally commend you for taking this difficult but\u00a0extremely brave step towards being your authentic self.\u00a0<\/p>\n
We, as comedy writers, would also like\u00a0to inquire about any jobs you may know about. Please email us at [email\u00a0protected]<\/a>\u00a0if you know anywhere that hires that doesn\u2019t require any practical skills or work experience.\u00a0Please. We\u2019re desperate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh Dec. 5, 2018 You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in\u00a0the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they can feel that you\u2019ve changed. You know\u00a0you have to tell them. Your legs are shaking. Your stomach is turning. This is the moment. After\u00a0hiding yourself for so long, you\u2019re finally going to tell them.\u00a0 This winter break, you’re\u00a0finally going to turn to them and say, \u201cMom, dad, I’m a philosophy major.\u201d\u00a0 Letting your parents know you’re a philosophy major is always a difficult process.\u00a0 They\u00a0may relentlessly question who you are: \u201cAre you sure this isn’t just a phase?\u201d \u201cWhat? You’ve\u00a0been in college for three months and you come back like this?\u201d\u00a0 Or they may try to pressure you into\u00a0returning to \u201cthe cave\u201d by asking what dear old Granny would think. Or even blame it on\u00a0someone else: \u201cI knew Chicago was a bad idea. Someone turned my child into a philosophy\u00a0major!\u201d Luckily, the Shady Dealer is here to help you get through this difficult time with this\u00a0short guide to coming out to your parents as a philosophy major. By following these six simple\u00a0tips, you can avoid any major-related dinner table awkwardness this holiday season.\u00a0 1. Choose the right place and time.\u00a0 It\u2019s always difficult to come out, but you can make it easier on yourself by choosing the right\u00a0place and time. Tell your parents when they\u2019re in a good mood and while they\u2019re not watching\u00a0the news. You definitely don\u2019t want them to be thinking about the latest job numbers when you\u00a0tell them.\u00a0 2. Focus on how you feel.\u00a0 Generally speaking, it\u2019s better for you to focus on \u201cI feel\u201d statements to avoid sounding\u00a0accusatory or overly emotional. Try \u201cI feel like this is what I\u2019m supposed to do\u201d or \u201cI feel like\u00a0this is the only subject I don\u2019t suck at.\u201d It\u2019s no use talking in broad statements or bringing the\u00a0outside world into the conversation, so focus on how you feel! Talking about your feelings is\u00a0basically all your major is preparing you to do, so you better get started now.\u00a0 3. Let them know you’re still the same person.\u00a0 One of the biggest concerns parents have when they find out their child is a philosophy major is\u00a0that you\u2019re not the same person they raised oh-so-long ago. Try to dispel this notion by\u00a0explaining how you\u2019ve always been a philosophy major. Bring up how you pondered on the state\u00a0of the half-full (or is it half-empty?) juice box in first grade. See? You were always cut out for\u00a0philosophy since the beginning!\u00a0 4. Be ready for the fire and brimstone argument.\u00a0 Sadly, this argument is a common one, and it\u2019s one that\u2019s difficult to counter, especially in the\u00a0heat of the moment. When your dad starts yelling about such nebulous and insignificant concepts\u00a0like \u201cstudent loans,\u201d \u201cpaying for our retirement,\u201d or \u201cbankrupting the family for a fucking useless\u00a0degree,\u201d you just need to take it. You know those bigots are below your intellect and their ideas\u00a0belong firmly in the past. Your first quarter living the \u201cLife of the Mind\u201d\u2122\u00a0has taught you that\u00a0philosophy doesn\u2019t care about material possessions. After all, it\u2019s not like Socrates or Aristotle\u00a0were only able to philosophize because they were bougie as fuck. You\u2019ll be fine!\u00a0 5. Tell them you’re double majoring in Economics, even if it’s a lie.\u00a0 This one is a risky call, but it could help you get out of an especially sticky situation. Your dad\u00a0will chuckle, \u201cOh, so this philosophy thing is just like a hobby then, thank God,\u201d and your mom\u00a0will start telling her girlfriends all about how you\u2019re going to work for an investment bank one\u00a0day. Just be sure that you mention \u201ca clerical mix-up\u201d which caused all your Economics credit to\u00a0magically \u201cvanish\u201d right before graduation. That\u2019s too bad, but at least you still have your handy\u00a0philosophy major!\u00a0 6. Prepare yourself for rejection.\u00a0 In the end, no matter how much you prepare, there\u2019s no telling exactly what could happen when\u00a0you tell your parents that you\u2019re a philosophy major. So treat this like you treat every\u00a0Wednesday and Friday night of the year and prepare yourself for rejection.\u00a0 Now you\u2019re ready to come out to your parents this holiday season! And\u00a0we at the Shady Dealer would like to personally commend you for taking this difficult but\u00a0extremely brave step towards being your authentic self.\u00a0 We, as comedy writers, would also like\u00a0to inquire about any jobs you may know about. Please email us at [email\u00a0protected]\u00a0if you know anywhere that hires that doesn\u2019t require any practical skills or work experience.\u00a0Please. We\u2019re desperate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1374","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-komono"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1374","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1374"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1374\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2407,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1374\/revisions\/2407"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1374"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1374"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1374"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}