<\/p>\n
In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals\u2019 migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder,\u00a0the University of Chicago\u2019s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part of\u00a0the Gargoylus Carthagodelendaest species dominant in the U.S. and Canada, they tend to\u00a0migrate towards the American South as well as Mexico.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Though the mass exodus has truly\u00a0begun with the plummeting temperatures, the Shady Dealer<\/i> managed to bump into a few\u00a0departing gargoyles before they departed.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m headed out west to Baja California Sur,\u201d said longtime Cobb gargoyle Xercantyx. \u201cPartly\u00a0cause the weather looks nice, but mostly cause the name literally means \u2018Southern Lower\u00a0California.\u2019 There are three Californias, and more of a good thing is a good thing, right?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
She added that it would be easier on her in Baja California Sur because the cold weather here\u00a0makes her wind stiff, impeding her nightly hunts for their also-migrating brethren, geese.\u00a0Xercantyx continued by saying gargoyles are actually geese\u2019s number one predators in winter,\u00a0and that goose honks are communication used to alert others of a gargoyle\u2019s presence.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cOne time I was called in to Dean Ellison\u2019s office because I kept trying to eat student\u2019s Canada\u00a0Goose jackets. I didn\u2019t know I wasn\u2019t supposed to do that! I definitely haven\u2019t done that again.\u00a0Or eaten any students.\u201d she mouthed, cleaning some down and red-stained black fabric\u00a0material from her teeth.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Other gargoyles, citing passport concerns or length of travel, chose to stay in the country.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Booth gargoyle Indixoroth is going to Florida for the holiday, as his grandparents moved there\u00a0from New York after retiring from the Empire State Building.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The Booth gargoyle population\u00a0would like to keep anonymity and asked the Shady Dealer to not point out their exact location\u00a0(or locations? We gotta keep it ambiguous, sorry).\u00a0<\/p>\n
“I hear one more uptight Connecticut fuck talk about a startup pitch, I\u2019m going to fucking\u00a0scream,\u201d said Indixoroth. \u201cIs this really considered the best business school in the country?\u00a0Deadass?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
Citing the state\u2019s abundance of all things orange, he guessed that Floridian\u2019s per capita mimosa\u00a0consumption must be off the charts. He also admitted to being something of an ecological\u00a0tourist, citing Florida\u2019s slogan as the \u201cSunshine State\u201d and its vibrant animal and plant wildlife.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cGiven all the weird shit that goes on and lives in Florida, I don\u2019t even stick out. Humans are just\u00a0like, \u2018Oh cool, a gargoyle! Watch out for that methed-up crocodile next to you, though, he got\u00a0into the stash and has been tweaking like hell!\u2019\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
Joanna, another gargoyle also going to Florida, told the Shady Dealer<\/i> she intends to make his\u00a0move to Florida permanent with a timeshare in the Everglades to \u201cget away from the bullshit.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cTime to blow this Popsicle stand. I can\u2019t stand this place or any of you. It doesn\u2019t seem like you\u00a0can either.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Nico Aldape Dec. 28, 2018 In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals\u2019 migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder,\u00a0the University of Chicago\u2019s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part of\u00a0the Gargoylus Carthagodelendaest species dominant in the U.S. and Canada, they tend to\u00a0migrate towards the American South as well as Mexico.\u00a0 Though the mass exodus has truly\u00a0begun with the plummeting temperatures, the Shady Dealer managed to bump into a few\u00a0departing gargoyles before they departed.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m headed out west to Baja California Sur,\u201d said longtime Cobb gargoyle Xercantyx. \u201cPartly\u00a0cause the weather looks nice, but mostly cause the name literally means \u2018Southern Lower\u00a0California.\u2019 There are three Californias, and more of a good thing is a good thing, right?\u201d\u00a0 She added that it would be easier on her in Baja California Sur because the cold weather here\u00a0makes her wind stiff, impeding her nightly hunts for their also-migrating brethren, geese.\u00a0Xercantyx continued by saying gargoyles are actually geese\u2019s number one predators in winter,\u00a0and that goose honks are communication used to alert others of a gargoyle\u2019s presence.\u00a0 \u201cOne time I was called in to Dean Ellison\u2019s office because I kept trying to eat student\u2019s Canada\u00a0Goose jackets. I didn\u2019t know I wasn\u2019t supposed to do that! I definitely haven\u2019t done that again.\u00a0Or eaten any students.\u201d she mouthed, cleaning some down and red-stained black fabric\u00a0material from her teeth.\u00a0 Other gargoyles, citing passport concerns or length of travel, chose to stay in the country.\u00a0 Booth gargoyle Indixoroth is going to Florida for the holiday, as his grandparents moved there\u00a0from New York after retiring from the Empire State Building.\u00a0 The Booth gargoyle population\u00a0would like to keep anonymity and asked the Shady Dealer to not point out their exact location\u00a0(or locations? We gotta keep it ambiguous, sorry).\u00a0 “I hear one more uptight Connecticut fuck talk about a startup pitch, I\u2019m going to fucking\u00a0scream,\u201d said Indixoroth. \u201cIs this really considered the best business school in the country?\u00a0Deadass?\u201d\u00a0 Citing the state\u2019s abundance of all things orange, he guessed that Floridian\u2019s per capita mimosa\u00a0consumption must be off the charts. He also admitted to being something of an ecological\u00a0tourist, citing Florida\u2019s slogan as the \u201cSunshine State\u201d and its vibrant animal and plant wildlife.\u00a0 \u201cGiven all the weird shit that goes on and lives in Florida, I don\u2019t even stick out. Humans are just\u00a0like, \u2018Oh cool, a gargoyle! Watch out for that methed-up crocodile next to you, though, he got\u00a0into the stash and has been tweaking like hell!\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Joanna, another gargoyle also going to Florida, told the Shady Dealer she intends to make his\u00a0move to Florida permanent with a timeshare in the Everglades to \u201cget away from the bullshit.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cTime to blow this Popsicle stand. I can\u2019t stand this place or any of you. It doesn\u2019t seem like you\u00a0can either.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1370"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1370"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1370\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2403,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1370\/revisions\/2403"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}